Sunday, January 27, 2008

I'm Sick and I Sound Like Kim Carnes

***THIS JUST IN: I got in to see the doctor and begged for a penicillin shot. Yes, a mamby pamby measly lil MD is no match for Sickly Sassy! So he leaves me in the room, and in walks my nurse: a MALE nurse. So I had to drop 'em and lean over the table for my shot in the ass! After an what seemed like an eternity, he finally takes out the needle and starts to rub the injection site. Now ladies and gentlemen, you might think this is some kind of erotic interlude, but unfortunately the nurse looked like a 6 foot Howdy Doody...who was rubbing MY ass! Perhaps one day the sting of embarrassment will subside...***

This will have to be short. I'm sick, sick, sick. I'm sneezy, achy, sleepy, feverish, and bitchy. I kept telling myself and everyone around me on Friday that I was not sick. The only one who believed me was me and the Indian UPS guy. I've been taking all kinds of vitamin C, Theraflu, Halls cough drops, Nyquil, and none of it has made the gravel that has moved in at the back of my throat bust up and move on. My nose is sore from blowing (please, Dyckerson, I'm not in the mood), my throat is swollen, my body aches, I'm running a temperature, and I've slept more than Rip Van Winkle. Plus, I desperately need a shower...which I intend on having once I've finished here.

On an interesting note, however, I was watching television when this song came on that I liked. I thought I might sing it. What came out of my mouth shook the earth and sent my pups running for cover! I swear, it was frightening. Then I thought about that old "Bette Davis Eyes" song from my childhood (I'm in no mood for age jokes, people!) and decided to try that one. I might as well be Kim Carnes twin. Who knew? "Her hair is hollow gold...her lips are sweet surprise..."

Anywho, I'm sick, sick, sick. And I hate it. And I hate all you healthy people. And I hate all those brats who most assuredly breathed on me at work giving me this crud. I blame you all! I'm going to have a shower now.
*Of course I don't hate kids...I love kids...I'm just sick...and bitchy...and did I mention sick?
**I haven't seen Father Liam in a week! Do you think he misses me??

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Albino Behind Me

I'm of a "certain age", and while I've been many places and experienced many different things, I never thought my most recent trip to Walmart would yield me a new and somewhat creepy experience.

So, I had to visit Walmart for those most basic needs: food, drink, dog food, understand. I decided that since I was in my civilian clothes (no SpongeBob pants, mind you...I learned my lesson!), I could venture again to the local Walmart Neighborhood Market. All things considered, my shopping experience this time was very routine and nothing to write home about. Until I got in line at the checkout. As you might have pieced together by now, I tend to have some unusual experiences while waiting in lines. If you haven't pieced that together by now you are either new to this blog, or you're a complete fucking idiot. Take your pick.

Anywho, I was waiting in line perusing the latest rags that had either "Britney Spears Shocker! She wants another baby!" or "Thinner thighs and rock hard abs in 2 weeks!" headlines on them, when I heard someone roll up behind me. Being a curious and observant individual, I turned slightly to catch a glimpse of my newest linemate (I mean, it could be some hot guy who likes SpongeBob pants!). I was not, however, prepared for what I saw. The man behind me was a REAL LIVE ALBINO! Holy shit! I know I was staring, but I'd never really seen one up close and personal! I quickly turned back around and, heart racing, sent off a quick text about said albino to someone I knew who enjoyed the freakish and odd. Then try as I might, I could not help but to keep sneaking glances at him. I mean, the white hair, skin so light it was practically translucent (WAY whiter than yours truly, thank God!), the odd, red-rimmed eyes (but they weren't pink in color like albino rats or anything) that were surprisingly very dark. It was all too much to ignore!

Of course, when you are trying to be inconspicuous, you inevitably get caught. Dammit! So about the umpteenth time I snuck a glance, the unexpected happened: dreaded eye contact between me and my albino. Not one to be nervous in social situations, I was temporarily immobile. I just stared. Finally, after what felt like days of connection, I kinda just smiled. Then, he smiled in return, and the stuff of nightmares was born. His teeth were kind of a dull yellow, which contrasted sickly with his pasty complexion. I thought I might drop dead of a heart attack right there! I know, I know, it's sounds so mean, but what the fuck? This was uncharted territory for me!

So I quickly turned around and started clumsily putting my items on the belt thingy when it happened: I dropped my damn green tea carton! As I quickly bent down to pick it up, the white devil stooped down as well, and then we were face to face, only inches apart with our hands on my teabags! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I think I mumbled, "Thanks" and he replied, "No problem, sweetheart, " smiling his creepy smile. I think I flinched. Needless to say, I got out of there was quickly as I could. And I also did have nightmares about fanged albino killers!

Today though, I just feel shamed. I mean, he wasn't cruising the WNM for his next victim to far as I could tell from his shopping cart, he was getting chips and beer for the football game. Why oh why had I reacted that way?? I'm sure he thought I was a complete batshit bitch who was off her meds.

When I went to see Father Liam this morning, I confessed my obvious prejudice, and he said, "We all fear what we do not know, Sassy. But he is also one of God's children. Being kind to those who are unlike us shows His grace." Motherfucker! Thanks for the guilt trip, Father Liam! And two Our Fathers included in my penance? Shit! He was an ALBINO for chrissakes!

*Father Liam may be leaving me! They may send him to a mission in Belize! BELIZE! How the hell am I going to deal with that? Do you know what it takes to break in a new priest?? I'm quite certain Father Liam already thinks I'm a little bit crazy, but he's not new to the priesthood and seems to be handling me quite well. Please God, don't send me an albino priest...I'll end up in hell in a handbasket for sure!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Another One Bites the Dust...and Can Bite Me While She's At It!

So I don't think I mentioned that there was this secretary in my office that totally tried to get me in trouble. She said I was "contributing to a hostile work environment" in a complaint to my old boss. Excuse me, bitch? Anyone who knows me or has worked with me would find this to be a completely ludicrous accusation! However, we had to go through the whole formal mess, but I was vindicated in the end. So since then, bitch secretary (BS) has had to be all nicey nicey to me. I've been professional and courteous but no longer warm and friendly with her after that ridiculous shit. Fuck her! I save my sunshine for people who deserve it!

So anywho, last Friday, the stupid BS turns in a resignation letter to both Big C and me. When we had a conversation with her, she cried around about not being happy with the job and that she just felt she had not been adequately trained...blah blah blah. Then she drops a bombshell: That stupid BS is over TWO MONTHS BEHIND in her work! Messing with average daily attendance (ADA), which is linked to state money for a school district, is a complete disaster! We are in noncompliance with state reporting regulations, and she took another day off today! WTF?? Now, this also means that she has also been LYING to me about truancy filings, 5-day absentee letters, and 10-day absentee letters! These are local policy requirements, which means I could be in trouble too! Stupid, lying, good for nothing sack of shit!

Today, I had a "pop in" impromptu meeting with one of the big bosses. And he was not happy. In fact, he grilled ME on why I allowed that stupid, fucking BS to get so far behind on such important reporting. Yes, I am the designated idiot stick in charge of overseeing attendance and residency on my campus. At first, I thought he must be out of his overpaid, motherfucking mind! Then, I had to spend the last half hour of the one hour ass chewing explaining how she refused to talk to me for nearly two weeks, and then continued to lie to me about having things done. I had to print out emails with directives I had sent to her regarding these issues, just so that he could see that my ass was covered! Needless to say, my day did not go well.

What I really want to know is how the fuck is this bitch's incompetency MY fault? I didn't hire her! It is not MY job to take, record, and verify attendance! That's what they've been paying her for! I simply make sure that we follow up on attendance issues..WHICH I FUCKING DID! I'm still not sure he isn't going to try to pin this on me, but in all fairness, he really can't do so. I just don't trust the slapdick Sheriff or his posse of accounting flunkies. Son of a bitch! I cannot wait to leave Mayberry behind!

But, that stupid BS bit the dust at least! I WON you stupid whore! Fuck you and your bullshit excuses! You just shot to the top of my shit list, and when Sassy ain't happy, ain't no one happy! Kiss my ass you sorry piece of shit!

*Father Liam will be seeing me this week, I'm afraid. Of course, he'll give me the whole "to forgive is the right thing" spiel. Fuck!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Well, DUH!

Take the Dumb Blonde Test at!
Make Your Own Quiz

So I know it's lame, but I'm busier than a lesbian at Lilith Fair right now! I got no time to write anything substantial. Besides, I'm sure you've heard about my legal troubles by now.

Friday, January 04, 2008

SpongeBob Might Get You Some Action (Unwanted, Of Course)

So I'm on the waning last days of my extended winter break until I have to return to Mayberry. Blegh. I always know that I've been off too long when I can't find enough stuff to do. Everyone else is at work, and you can only watch so much Lifetime TV (that sappy shit makes me bawl like a baby!). So when I got up this morning, I wanted to make pancakes. Pancakes and I have a rocky relationship...mostly because they are full of bad carbohydrates, and I get a little free with the syrup. Anywho, I love pancakes, but I only eat them maybe twice a year. But I digress. I got up and wanted to make pancakes, but I did not have the proper ingredients or any syrup. That meant a little jaunt to the Walmart Neighborhood Market. For those of you who don't have them, it's basically a Walmart supermarket only. Lucky for me, there's one just a short mile or so from the house. Now, I don't normally like to go out while still in my pajamas. And by pajamas, I mean SpongeBob Squarepants fleece bottoms (Christmas present from my cutie patootie 9 yr old nephew) and a Dallas Cowboys sweatshirt (please Lord, let them make the Superbowl this year). But I decided that this was an emergency. I wanted those fucking pancakes, and shitty McDonald's rubber disks were not going to satisfy my craving. So I put my hair up and threw on some shoes and a bra and headed out the door. It was 7:00 in the morning, so who would I really see, right?

As I walk into the WNM, I notice that one of the cart wranglers looks at me funny. I smile and say, "Woke up, needed pancakes." He replies, "I like those SpongeBob pants!" I nod and keep walking. Of course, I only went in for one or two things, but as everyone knows, Walmart always sucks you in, so I was there an my pajamas. However, I found it very strange that so many people were: A) in the WNM at 7am and B) felt compelled to talk about my pants. Men, women, and children of all ages seem to react to ole SpongeBob. By the time I was in there for 20 min, my reply to people's, "Hey! I like those pants!" was "You know, they like you too!" (Evidently, sometimes, Sassy says things that give the wrong impression.) While I was checking my egg carton for any breakage, an older guy in his 50s, I'd say, was doing the same near me. He looks over and says, "Those are some fancy pants!" I laugh and say, "Well, I like them!" He replies, "I like them too." My response: "You know, they like you too!" Hahaha. What happened next has NEVER EVER happened to me in all my life. This STRANGER reached down and rubbed my thigh and said, "And they are so soft too, huh?" I was dumbfounded! I kind of jumped back and said, "Excuse me?!" WTF?? Anyone who knows me is aware of my no touchy the Sassy rule if I don't know you. Talky: sure. Touchy: HELL NO! He goes on, " I was just admiring how soft they are. They must be very comfortable." I just continue looking at him in horror. "Listen, mister, you can't go around touching people's pants. It's creepy and weird!" His reply, "Well, you did say they liked me too. I was just being friendly." Wink Wink. I thought: Holy shit! I think Ted Bundy's brother is in my Walmart Neighborhood Market!! I couldn't say a word to that, so I practically ran to the checkout! Thank the heavens for those fucking self-checkout lanes! I must have checked and paid for my items in record time. As I was leaving, I saw TBB checking out, and HE SMILED AND WAVED as I passed. I ran to my car, threw my lil plastic Walmart bags into the trunk, not caring about my eggs and other breakables, and got the hell outta there.

How is it that I missed that maniacal gleam in his eye? Why am I a magnet for the weirdo shitbags? This just solidifies my resolve to NEVER EVER leave the house in my pajamas. SpongeBob attracts the creepy and odd. It's dangerous out there!

**I was just thinking about how uneventful my vacation has been, and so I thought I would have to wait to update the ole RofaSB next week since I'd be back at work and some crazy shit will happen for sure there. But I made my fucking pancakes! Yeah, those are the pants...