Sunday, August 02, 2009

Sleeping Under Erotic Art

So it's been are you? I have been rather busy going here and there and generally sleeping far too much. But hey, I've been on vacation, and one has to make the most of time off, right? Right?? That's better. So I wanted to share an interesting vacation story because anyone who knows me knows that I cannot travel without something strange and/or painful happening to me. The dark cloud of travel just hangs over me, unfortunately.

So my friend Reedsy and I went on a cruise to Mexico. Her gracious husband decided to give her a getaway with a friend, and I was honored to be "the friend" in this scenario! Woo hoo! So we have a rather uneventful drive to our port and get ourselves on the ship. We were a bit dismayed to find that our cabin sported bunk beds though. But hey, it's not like we were lesbo lovers on our civil union honeymoon, so I took the top bunk since Reedsy has the bladder the size of a pea. After our first night on the ship, we had returned from dinner to our cabin. As I exited the bathroom, I could see that Reedsy was peering curiously at the painting that was above my top bunk bed. I only noticed it was some kind of gawdy-colored abstract but never studied it closely. The following conversation ensued:

Reedsy: Hey, look more closely at this picture. What does that look like to you?
Sassy: It's ugly as shit.
Reedsy: No, I know. But LOOK at it...
Sassy: Holy shit! That's vag!
Reedsy: I KNOW!! I knew I wasn't crazy!
Sassy: OMG...I've been sleeping under vagina...and wait, look at that!
Reedsy: What?
Sassy: THAT is an abstract man with a huge penis! And there's splooge!! In her hand! See it?? Holy shit!
Reedsy: OMG! What the hell?? It is!!
Sassy: We have abstract erotic art...penis and vag!!
(continued with deep gut laughter and a few "ewwws")
Sassy: We gotta get a picture!
Reedsy: Read my mind..I'm on it!

Here's the painting:

Yes, dear friends, I slept under erotic abstract art that week. In reflecting on what was an altogether fanfuckingtastic time, I still have a few questions for Carnival Cruiselines, however.

1. Could the bathrooms be any smaller? I mean, you couldn't move from the shitter to the shower without hitting your midsection on the sink. WTF?

2. Why the hell was alcohol so fucking expensive? I felt like one drink was $35. It's not like you're the Sky Bar or something! Get over yourselves! Duty-free my ass!

3. I understand the conundrum it must be to decide how to decorate an entire cruise ship. I mean, why go with a nautical theme when you can adorn the walls of your cabins with abstract porn? Is this REALLY where the built in gratuity went?? Who was your decorator: Larry Flynt circa 1982?

So, despite all of that, I thoroughly enjoyed snorkeling, horseback riding, rock climbing, ziplining, and rappelling....and some great quality time with my friend Reedsy. Plus, we had some great dinner companions from Chicago and Louisiana. Loved those two families! And our dining room staff performed quite well each night. And hey, we did get ourselves a bit tipsy in Cozumel. (Damn that Senor Frog and Jimmy Buffet) Unfortunately, the last day at sea I also fried my front side like a bad piece of fucking bad so that just this past Monday did I finally stop peeling (3 weeks after the return and the second peeling)...despite the fact that I used 50 spf as my dermatologist insisted! Friends, did you know there is such a thing as "sun poisoning"? Me, I did not. However, it seemed strange to me that my sunscreen kept me safe all through our excursions in the sun and on the beach, yet the last day it did an epic fucking fail. Here's hoping that I don't get that imminent skin cancer that my negative ass dermatologist insists will happen to my fair-skinned, light-eyed self. All in all, I had a great time though!

Thanks again, Reedsy! xoxo

When I get a chance, I have few other stories to tell about what I've seen and heard...