Friday, September 28, 2007

I'm Back, LoveStoned, and the Magic Man

Yes, I am now reconnected to my thanks to AT&T, however. Did I mention they SUCK ASS? I did? Okay then, I won't elaborate any more on that topic. So people, I'm back! You were gone, you ask? Well, it certainly felt like it. Plus, I am living in fear that at some point I'm going to get called in for violating my work's "Acceptable Use of Network" policy since I've blogged here and there from work as well as commented on others' websites of wisdom. I'm glad to be back though. Really. I missed everyone (okay, so there probably isn't enough of you out there to make it sound so large volume, but I'm spinning positive bitches!).

Have you heard my new favorite song, "LoveStoned" by my fave former boy bander J. Timberlake? Now this song has had me driving way too fast and pointing and singing my heart out on the road. I have a Nissan Altima, and while it's not my favorite car ever, the stereo sound system rocks out pretty well. Anywho, if you see some blonde chick next to you with her windows rattling to JT, be nice and wave when I turn to you, point, and sing it out. I'm looking for the positives in life, people. Kiss my ass and eat shit if you don't like it!

So, as I've mentioned in passing in my comments, I injured my hip a while back. My recovery required physical therapy. And my physical therapist, whom we'll call Magic Man (cause he's got magic hands, mama), was/is H. O. T. And much to my dismay, MM asked me out a few weeks back. Now I know what you're thinking: "What? Isn't there some kind of ethical violation there?" or "How the hell would he be interested in you, particularly since he saw you all gross and sweaty with no makeup and crazy hair?" Yes, I know it defies all logic, but he seems to dig me . And not to sound pitiful, but I do believe he is, by far, the most beautiful man I've ever dated (that's saying something because one boy I dated in college was voted most the WHOLE college...but back then I was built like a brick shithouse and homecoming queen, so it didn't seem so shocking to people I guess). Which also makes me a little nervous because, in my experience, beautiful men are not to be trusted. But so far, he makes me laugh, and he is a certifiable hockey fanatic like me, so if nothing else comes out of this, I have a hockey partner to see the Stars with, right? Plus there's that whole magic hands thing. Oh..and he really seems to be a nice dogs seem to think he can hang out, and I trust them.

*I haven't brought up the whole singing and pointing in the car yet though. I've contained myself when we are together thus far, but it's getting more and more difficult when my tunes come on. Other than that, he gets the real me.

*I'm a bit concerned that while I was away Cruiser got ripped off by some little shitbag, I seem to be agreeing with Dyck more and more, the Hor has a new hole (albeit a Chat Hole, but a hole nonetheless), Redline found a house, lost it, and then found a better one, Ryan's dog died (XOXOX), I've been unable to take my 15 Minute Lunch, and Alan the Amazing Techno Geek still hasn't gotten laid with all his Whorecrafting. Thank GOD for Sarah's TV updates. Seriously.

Friday, September 21, 2007


Well folks, it's been quite a week here in Mayberry. Whew! I'm tired! BUT...I'm required to work the high school Homecoming football game...for free. Yes, that's right. Even though secondary principals and assistant principals get paid more because these extra-curricular activities are part of their regular duties. I did mention I'm elementary, didn't I? Anywho, it's a really L-O-N-G day, where I'm in Mayberry from 7am to 11pm and get home around midnight. All without receiving any extra compensation. Did I mention it's not a choice? Too bad, Sassy. Get with the program and quit your bitchin'. Oh, and your duty is to stand under the bleachers just in case some kids might have fun under there. Yes people, I'm UNDER the bleachers. Got water thrown on me last game....which I know you can tell I think is just the shit! But I do admit to longing to have another mum...those were some fun times...back in the stone age when I was in high school. Damn, now I made myself feel shitty and old. Fuck! Moving on...

So, today during my lunch duties, the new sheriff rolled onto campus...and cornered me. He was nice, as always, but I got asked some pointed questions, particularly about my colleagues. Now, even if I don't like you, you can pretty much bet that I won't throw you under the bus. Nuh-uh. I believe in Karma...and professionalism. Anywho, he basically walked around campus visiting classrooms. Then one of the deputies showed up in the afternoon...asking all kinds of questions. I swear, if I were a paranoid person, the visitors I received today could have pushed me over the edge. As it is, I'm convinced this week that I have created multiple personalities to deal with all the bullshit: "Sybil, can we talk to Sassy now? No! I'M IN CONTROL NOW!!!"

Not really...perhaps I'm being a bit dramatic...or maybe it's PMS. I'm not sure at this point.

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend. It's hit or miss whether my internet will deign to actually work. Right now I'm still at work violating some kind of acceptable use policy, I'm sure.

*A BIG XOXO to Sgt Redline who posted me some flowers. You're a peach!

**AT&T still sucks ass and can kiss mine.

***Still not fired yet.

Monday, September 17, 2007

AT&T Can Blow Me

First, thank you to those of you who have worried that I was in jail or otherwise indisposed. I feel the love...really. Secondly, I'm still having trouble with all of my computers, even though I have taken great pains to fix all this trouble. Here's what I've done thus far:

1. Had my laptop hard drive completely erased and everything added back to it in terms of programs. Only now I can't connect to the internet because AT&T sucks ass!

2. Replaced my ethernet port on my desktop (yes, all by myself, so suck it!). I can do some things right when it comes to the computer (at least the computer guts.).

3. Updated my AT&T high-speed software..only to have it not work now. Yes, I know. I shouldn't be shocked. Fucking AT&T!!!!!!!!! I HATE YOU!

So, I've been d0ing flybys at all my regulars trying to comment where I can. I leave you with this one question: How come everything works just fine and dandy until AT&T buys it up and slaps their brand on it? They SUCK ASS big time, people!

*On a more positive note, I haven't been fired yet.

Monday, September 03, 2007

It's Got To Be Me

So okay, I've been absent a while. Work has started again, and my days of being lazy and playing on the computer are long gone. Plus, as I mentioned before, I've had some serious home computing issues. Needless to say, they still aren't resolved, but I'm on my way.

I wanted to relay an interesting experience while shopping a couple of weeks ago. I was actually in line at a retail store waiting to return some items. While in line, I felt a tug on my pant leg and looked down at the cutest pair of big brown eyes and curly brown hair attached to a little girl of about 3 yrs old. She was very obviously Hispanic, and so I knelt down and said, "Well hello there!" She then started to babble something in Spanish. I may or may not have mentioned before that I barely speak any Spanish. I had my 2.5 yrs over the course of my education, and so while I can understand quite a bit, speaking it tends to make others look at me as if I have Tourette's or something. Anywho, I said to her, "Hola chica. Como estas?" She brightened immediately, and so I tried looking around for her mother or other relative. As I looked around, she started to cry and reached out her arms to me. Not knowing what else to do, I picked her up and started trying to soothe her, talking quietly in the minimal broken Spanish I know. As the line continued to move, I just moved with it, carrying this child. Right as I was about to step up to the counter, a woman came running up with two policemen, rapidly and hysterically speaking Spanish and pointing at me and the little girl. Naturally, I assumed it was her little girl and so I turned to hand her over. Before I could do so, the woman jerked the child from me, nearly knocking me down and then the two policemen grabbed me by both arms. WTF? So the woman is continuing to speak in machine-gun fire Spanish, and a crowd is starting to form. The security people ask me to step out of line and follow them. I ask them why. They say they need to take this matter to a more private place. A bit dazed and mightily confused, I followed them. When I arrived at the back of the store, we took a left through some double doors and into an office room...where two more police officers were waiting. Then, I start to get a clue. These people must think I was taking off with the lady's kid!! So, I started to laugh, and I said, "Um, you can check my bag. I haven't stuffed any merchandise in there. " (Note to self: Do not joke to police officers about a crime. They do not think it is funny.) One of the officers told me to please sit down rather seriously. I complied. I'm nothing if not a law-abiding citizen. They ask for my ID, which I gave them, and one of the other cops leaves the office with it. Finally, I find my voice again and ask what the hell is going on. One of the remaining police officers tells me to stay calm. I tell him, "Listen, I'm pretty calm, but I have no idea what this is about. Why don't you tell me or arrest me. Either way, I get the information and can make an informed decision on what to do next." He then proceeds to ask me what I was doing with the little girl. I told him my story, let him know he could ask the people behind me if they were still there, and then I could get going. He told me to wait so that he and his partners could check it out. Excuse me? Do I look like a creepy perv or a kidnapper? I came to return some stinking pants for the love of Mike! Of course, I started to babble about working at a school and this and that. The officers just told me to just quiet down. So...45 minutes later, they start apologizing and explaining. Seems the little girl had actually disappeared from her mother's car at a convenience store next door to the department store. They had issued an Amber Alert, and the mother was riding with them when they got a call that a woman at said department store was seen with the missing child. So they rushed over. As they tell me I'm free to go, I stop them. I said, "Wait a minute! How the hell did that baby get over to the Kohl's by herself? I didn't pick her up at the convenience store! She started pulling on my pant leg. Where the hell was her mother?" They look at each other kind of confused. So, I continue,"Shouldn't you be looking at the mother as possibly being neglectful? Did she leave the baby in the car? It's 100 degrees out! What the hell kind of concerned mother does that and then LOSES her 3 yr old 300 yards away? If that child left her car at the convenience store, she walked across a very busy road to get to this store. " One of the now forever known as Keystone Cops answered, "Well ma'am, our first concern was recovering the child. " No shit Sherlock! I reply, "Well, she's recovered, so instead of detaining me, shouldn't you be speaking to the mother now? Are you waiting on an interpreter or something?" One of the officers, a kind of burly guy, more pudgy than muscled, started to turn a bit red in the neck and face. The other said to me, " Ms. SB, I apologize for this inconvenience, but now that we have cleared you, it's really none of your concern." Excuse me, fucker? A small child is left unattended in a car in sweltering heat, gets out of the car and wanders across a dangerous road, and then ends up in a department store where anyone could have grabbed her? And that's not my concern? By now, I had steam coming out of my ears! I replied, "You're right. It's not. I'll give a call to CPS. Maybe they'll care about what is or is not my concern." I then stood up and walked out. It would have been a grand exit if I hadn't forgotten my stupid fucking pants! GRR! So I had to go back in, jerk them off the table, and go back to the customer service desk....with EVERYONE looking at me as if I were some kind of criminal! I quickly returned the pants and left the store. As I was walking out, I saw the mother, holding the little girl, talking to the officers. The little girl turned to look at me as I was leaving. I waved goodbye. She blew me a kiss.

Yes, it's got to be me. I just thank God I didn't have my gun on me, or that could have all gone very differently.