Tuesday, July 27, 2010

It's Hard to Shake a Case of the Dumbass

So I've been working like slave labor all summer trying to hire cool kids to replace the idiot sacs that left. So basically, I've been an interviewing whore all summer long...and now it's like a few weeks until school starts again. I actually crunched the numbers, and I've interviewed or pre-screened roughly 250 people. Yes, that 2-5-0. At this point, I'd like to take my ass to a beach somewhere and stay mute for a month. I know sign language, so I think I could pull it off. Of course, I'll have to look up the sign for "Belvedere martini, make it dirty with 3 olives", but I'm educated so I figure I can wing it.

During this "experience", I've learned a few things. So hang on tight while I lay some serious wisdom on your ass:

1. When a resume contains a space where some dumbass decides to list his supposed IQ, chances are he's the worst kind of dumbass. Here's a little tip for you, Mr. I-think-I'm-so-fucking-clever-for-trying-to-list-some-ridiculous-IQ number-on-my-resume: Unless you are Stephen motherfucking Hawking, John Nash, or that Marilyn Vos Savant bitch, your IQ number is a big, fat, fucking lie. Even Donald Trump wouldn't hire you just so he could fire you. Stupid ass!

2. Dear Aggressive Applicants: It is outrageously inappropriate to drop by my office unannounced
demanding to speak with me about the position, as it is equally inappropriate to call me and leave a voicemail demanding a return call to "discuss your qualifications." It's like dropping in at someone's house that you don't know unexpectedly and inviting yourself to dinner and a skinny dip in their hot tub. Listen up Gen Y slackers and mama's boys, when you harass me for a job, I find myself hating you with a white hot, burning kind of loathing. If I wanted to interview you, I'd have called you in for, yes, a fucking interview. Don't make me get a restraining order...or my gun.

3. If in an interview you try to be everything you think I want, I instantly distrust your flip-flopping ass. And you don't care about money? Seriously? I'm smarter than I look, junior.

4. If you don't know the answer, do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to fake it. Those framed diplomas on the wall are real. I'm smarter than I look.

5. It's probably not the best idea if you chunk the deuce with a "Peace out!" as you exit my office after a lackluster performance in the interview. It only makes me think that you rented the suit and tie, and that your real wardrobe consists of pants near your ass, a backwards baseball cap, and a t-shirt that reads, "Everything's a good idea when you're drunk."

6. Hey Einstein: I check references. It's not a good idea to ever put bullshit on your resume. Additionally, you might want to ensure that your references actually have positive things to say about you. You cannot bullshit a bullshitter.

7. Finally: I realize that the economy is in the shitter, and many of you are looking for a job. Newsflash! Not everyone can teach, and just because some greedy ass program gave you an official-looking letter stating you are eligible to get a teaching certificate does not mean I want you anywhere near children. Or me. I'm convinced that the old adage, "Those who can't, teach, " should read in this new age, "Those who can't have gotten a degree in finance, business, marketing, or liberal studies." I'm infuriated that you really are delusional enough to think that your degree somehow trumps 2 of mine. Fuck off you no-job-having piece of shit!

Okay. There are SO many more pieces of wisdom I could share with the current job-seekers out there. I'm thinking of starting a side business devoted to contract killing just these kinds of people. I'm up for some help in naming my future corporation and for tag lines. Anyone?