SpongeBob Might Get You Some Action (Unwanted, Of Course)

So I'm on the waning last days of my extended winter break until I have to return to Mayberry. Blegh. I always know that I've been off too long when I can't find enough stuff to do. Everyone else is at work, and you can only watch so much Lifetime TV (that sappy shit makes me bawl like a baby!). So when I got up this morning, I wanted to make pancakes. Pancakes and I have a rocky relationship...mostly because they are full of bad carbohydrates, and I get a little free with the syrup. Anywho, I love pancakes, but I only eat them maybe twice a year. But I digress. I got up and wanted to make pancakes, but I did not have the proper ingredients or any syrup. That meant a little jaunt to the Walmart Neighborhood Market. For those of you who don't have them, it's basically a Walmart supermarket only. Lucky for me, there's one just a short mile or so from the house. Now, I don't normally like to go out while still in my pajamas. And by pajamas, I mean SpongeBob Squarepants fleece bottoms (Christmas present from my cutie patootie 9 yr old nephew) and a Dallas Cowboys sweatshirt (please Lord, let them make the Superbowl this year). But I decided that this was an emergency. I wanted those fucking pancakes, and shitty McDonald's rubber disks were not going to satisfy my craving. So I put my hair up and threw on some shoes and a bra and headed out the door. It was 7:00 in the morning, so who would I really see, right?

As I walk into the WNM, I notice that one of the cart wranglers looks at me funny. I smile and say, "Woke up, needed pancakes." He replies, "I like those SpongeBob pants!" I nod and keep walking. Of course, I only went in for one or two things, but as everyone knows, Walmart always sucks you in, so I was there an hour...shopping....in my pajamas. However, I found it very strange that so many people were: A) in the WNM at 7am and B) felt compelled to talk about my pants. Men, women, and children of all ages seem to react to ole SpongeBob. By the time I was in there for 20 min, my reply to people's, "Hey! I like those pants!" was "You know, they like you too!" (Evidently, sometimes, Sassy says things that give the wrong impression.) While I was checking my egg carton for any breakage, an older guy in his 50s, I'd say, was doing the same near me. He looks over and says, "Those are some fancy pants!" I laugh and say, "Well, I like them!" He replies, "I like them too." My response: "You know, they like you too!" Hahaha. What happened next has NEVER EVER happened to me in all my life. This STRANGER reached down and rubbed my thigh and said, "And they are so soft too, huh?" I was dumbfounded! I kind of jumped back and said, "Excuse me?!" WTF?? Anyone who knows me is aware of my no touchy the Sassy rule if I don't know you. Talky: sure. Touchy: HELL NO! He goes on, " I was just admiring how soft they are. They must be very comfortable." I just continue looking at him in horror. "Listen, mister, you can't go around touching people's pants. It's creepy and weird!" His reply, "Well, you did say they liked me too. I was just being friendly." Wink Wink. I thought: Holy shit! I think Ted Bundy's brother is in my Walmart Neighborhood Market!! I couldn't say a word to that, so I practically ran to the checkout! Thank the heavens for those fucking self-checkout lanes! I must have checked and paid for my items in record time. As I was leaving, I saw TBB checking out, and HE SMILED AND WAVED as I passed. I ran to my car, threw my lil plastic Walmart bags into the trunk, not caring about my eggs and other breakables, and got the hell outta there.

How is it that I missed that maniacal gleam in his eye? Why am I a magnet for the weirdo shitbags? This just solidifies my resolve to NEVER EVER leave the house in my pajamas. SpongeBob attracts the creepy and odd. It's dangerous out there!

**I was just thinking about how uneventful my vacation has been, and so I thought I would have to wait to update the ole RofaSB next week since I'd be back at work and some crazy shit will happen for sure there. But I made my fucking pancakes! Yeah, those are the pants...