Sunday, April 27, 2008

Condoms Don't Grow On Trees, Do They?

So, I'm only back for this post because after about a week, I'm compelled to share with you my discovery.

It's getting warmer in Texas now...fantastically sunny but chokingly humid. Then there are the storms. But one day last week, it was a beautiful sunshiney day here, so I thought I might take the pups for a nice walk in the park. So I outfitted the crew with their harnesses and retractable leashes and set out for the wooded footpath of a local park. It was actually really nice, as everything is turning green again since the advent of spring. So I'm walking trying frantically to keep from being brought down by the excitement of four dogs on retractable leashes (I mean really, what the hell was I thinking??), when Spanky, the lil red menace, darted off the concrete path into the wooded part of the wooded footpath. As I'm calling to him to get his ass back to the pack, he emerges with something in his mouth. At first, I think it might be some food wrapper that some dumbass discarded because he was too much of a lazy ass to put it in the some 50 trash cans located along the path. Nothing like killing the local wildlife with a Snickers wrapper, eh shithead? But where was I? Oh yes! When I reeled him in to take a closer look, I was a bit taken aback at what it was: a condom. Unused and in the wrapper, you freaks, so don't even go "there". Curiosity got the best of me, and so I guided my little menagerie off the beaten path and let Spanky take the lead. Lo and behold, he led us to a suspicious looking paper bag behind some shrubbery. As I got closer, I picked up a stick and started poking the bag. I mean, what if it was a bag full of disposed of needles left by some whacked out junkie? I wasn't about to become some freakin' statistic! Anywho, as I used my extended arm to upturn the paper bag, out fell about 25 condoms! There seemed to be an assortment: ribbed, flavored, colored, you name it! Now, I don't know about you, but this seemed odd to me. I knew from health class in 6th grade that condoms didn't grow on trees...or in the bush either, so to speak. I know what some of you are thinking: "Holy shit! She hit the mother lode! What park was that? Can she draw me a map?" Alas, I was more perplexed than anything else. Who left this little treasure trove behind? Was it a new species of whore? I mean, I've heard of lake whores, truck stop whores, and other types of whores, but a park whore? Was there a whole new underground of bitches peddling pussy at the local park now? And then I thought, am I standing where some skanky bitch bent over for a little park action? So after I got over the first reaction of disgust, I got mad. What the fuck?? Is no place sacred anymore?! Why must these people ruin the tranquility and family atmosphere of my park? And what obscene things must the ducks have seen and had to endure? Isn't that animal cruelty? And what if that nasty snatch had left a used one lying around that might have choked and killed my beloved dog? So you know what I did next? I took my stick, dug a hole, and buried that booty! Ha! Serves 'em right for defiling my sanctuary! And I hope the next time some lame ass idiot who goes to the park to get a hummer thinks twice and takes a good long look at whether or not the park whore has a fever blister...or blisters elsewhere. Listen asshole, go sign up for to get laid like everyone else!

Monday, April 07, 2008

You Can't Make Me Do It

I'm taking a blogging vacation. A short (hopefully!) hiatus, if you will. I need some solitude. It could be days, weeks, or even months. I'm not sure yet. Feel free to write something for me and send it to me. I'll be glad to post it. Seriously. And I'll still be reading all y'all...