Monday, September 29, 2008

Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned...I Don't Like You

I went to confession yesterday for the first time in a few months. I forced myself to go in and talk to Father Liam's successor, Father Glen. At first, I thought I might be uncomfortable, but then I just decided that Father Liam thought I was a little off too, so what do I give a fuck with that new guy thinks? 

Here's how it went:

Me: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been awhile since my last confession. Well, since Father Liam abandoned me, and I got stuck with you. 

FG: What is it you would like to confess...since you are stuck with me? (Nope, there was no chuckle with this to convey that he might have a sense of humor!)

Me: Well, I've been having impure constantly. 

FG: Have you prayed about it?

Me: God yes! I pray every night that my impure thoughts will come true! (Insert laugh here)

FG: (Cleared throat in a disapproving manner) I see.  What do you feel is impure? 

Me: Well, I work with mostly women so I don't have impure thoughts about them although I do have some evil ones, but there are a couple of guys that tend to make it into my thoughts, impure as they are.  One is married but the other is a new guy and divorced. I admit to being flirty with them and getting a reciprocal response. Is this wrong? I mean, it's not like I'm touching them inappropriately or speaking in any kind of sexual innuendo, right? But I certainly have had some steamy daydreams involving them. Plus, one isn't even married, so it's okay to flirt with him, right? And aren't they just as culpable since they are flirty back at me? I mean, it isn't like I'm the only one at fault here, right? (Jeez Sassy, guilty much? )

FG: So you are having thoughts of a sexual nature about two men you work with.  Are you acting on these thoughts?

Me: (Long pause wondering if he means acting alone or with them) NO! What kind of gal do you think I am! I'm not a home wrecker or a whore! Jeez! Are you supposed to call me names?! And do you really think I'd be here confessing if I was getting it on with one or both of these men? (Ok..unfair and trashy sounding, but he pissed me off!) I came here seeking guidance and penance. Isn't that why I should come to you?

FG: Sassy, I am not saying these things to be unkind. And I was not calling you any foul name. Is this all you have to confess? (I think he was trying to rush me! WTF?)

Me: Isn't that enough? You want more? Okay, I lied to my coworker and told her that I would be sad that she would be leaving to stay at home with her grandbaby when I really wanted to jump up and down and do cartwheels.  She's a b--witch, and I'm marking off days on my calendar until that baby is born so that I can be rid of her. Then, I was rude to an old lady at the grocery store because she took up the whole aisle, and I was in a hurry. She was in one of those automated carts and wasn't in much of a hurry. Although I did instantly feel bad that I was rude when I walked around here and so came back and got some tomato soup off the higher shelves for her since she couldn't reach it. I also cussed at a salesgirl for overcharging me on an item and then blaming the register. I mean come on, learn how to find mistakes yourself and stop relying solely on the machine. She actually ARGUED with me until I came back with the sign from where I got the item in the store. Then she got pissy with me because she was wrong. Did I get an apology? No. Customer service is dead!

FG: (After a big sigh) Okay, your penance is 3 Hail Marys and 1 Our Father. Go forth and sin no more. May God bless and keep you.

Me: Really? You're using the "go forth" line?  Okay, but--

FG: Make that 2 Our Fathers.

Me: Dammit! Oh! Ok.

Now this was lame, people! What kind of priest is he? I demand a better one! They must bring Father Liam back!! They MUST! Father Glen? Seriously? He doesn't even have a good accent or look fatherly at all! The man is a newbie! I felt more like I was in the principal's office. That confession did me no good! I did my Hail Marys and Our Fathers, yet I'm still having some racy, inappropriate thoughts about those two gentlemen. I got no advice, no thought-provoking anecdote..nothing. Shit! Now I'm going to have to start shopping for a new priest. I miss Father Liam...

*Yes, I'm going to seek absolution for cracking on the new guy. 
**Impure thoughts shouldn't be a sin until you act upon them, right? Right??  Can I get an Amen??

Saturday, September 06, 2008

I Love a Chrome Dome

Hey! Don't be making that all nasty, you freaks! I've been having some trouble lately coming up with anything to write. I mean, I tend to write about things that happen to me, and unfortunately, not a whole lot happening here in Sassytown other than my fucked up job.  But when I was out at Happy Hour the other night, a bunch of us were talking about what attracts us to the opposite sex. It was all fun and games until I laid out my love of bald men. Yes, I said I love the chrome domes. I don't know why, but bald men are sexy to me. Not the poor sacks that have the ring of hair...the totally smooth-as-a-baby's-ass bald guys. I don't quite know where this fondness for the hair-challenged male came from. It's not a Daddy thing because the men in my family all have a head of hair..thinning in spots, but nowhere near bald. I mean, I tend to look at eyes first, so maybe it's because without all the action going on with the hair, the eyes stand out. Needless to say when I dropped this little nugget of truth, I heard crickets around the table. Finally, someone spoke up and said, "What? What the hell is that all about?"

That's when I started thinking. Yes, I was completely devoid of thought until that point in was Happy Hour and there was alcohol after all. Not surprisingly (and mostly because the gals were getting shit-faced), my bald statement started a new line of discussion. Sure, we all want a sensitive (but not crybaby ass), honest, romantic guy who has a job and can step away from his mommy. But the conversation got more interesting when we started talking physicalities:

Friend #1- "I like a nice smile. I can't be with some guy with jacked up teeth." (And she's even British...that just doesn't seem right considering the teeth on sooo  many British guys)

Friend #2: "I'm quite fond of the ass on a man. There's nothing like a nice, tight ass! Woo!" (We all secretly wonder if she's not into woman ass as well though)

Friend #3- "No offense, Sassy, but I like my men hairy." (Yes, I can't believe I have a friend who likes the hairies...eww..just eww.)

Me: "Well, besides the baldness, I'm into the eyes and a man's hands. Nothing like a good set of hands all over you.  And if they can't make me laugh, my panties stay on!" (That's RIGHT! No laughy, no nookie!)

Friend #4: "I like a big dick. Period. I'm a simple gal." (She's the groper of our group...use your imagination there)

So what is it that leads us to focus on particular body parts? I mean, I know guys tend to talk quite a bit about big titties (the hyperfocus there always confuses me), but surely there's more to it than that? I need answers people, and I need them now!