I'm Still Here...

I am only enjoying my job most of the time. It's relatively easy, low stress, and I have a set schedule where, if I go over, they actually pay me for my time. Of course, there are some drawbacks as well. There seems to be this push to sell shit, and while I understand it, I fucking loathe having to sell anything. We also get one call a week recorded and scored at random by a department that uses "metrics" to give us some bullshit percentage to decide whether or not we get a bonus each month. Now, so far, I'm doing well with that piece of my "metrics". However, there is this one area that seems to count way too much when you don't have any kind of control over it: call backs. The way it works is that, if you were the last agent to speak to this person, and they call back for ANY reason within 7 days, then somehow that gets counted against you. It doesn't matter if it is a call for something completely different than when you solved their problem. It doesn't matter if they are on a stupid ass cell phone that drops the call  in the middle of the conversation requiring them to call back to get a resolution. You still get dinged. This really seems quite unfair, considering it's 40% of your overall score. The goal percentage is somewhere around 11.5%. Sassy is at 13%. Now technically, I'm still training. However, every time I am scheduled for "developmental coaching," metrics are always discussed. Generally, I'm receiving positive feedback and constructive criticism. I'm not averse to criticism at all. It's the only way to gauge progress and to improve. Plus, I'm grown. Some of the other idiot sacs that are in the group get pissed off every time they get any feedback they disagree with. As it is, I'm looking for a second job because this one really doesn't pay me enough right now to meet my financial obligations long term. My savings is taking a hit. There is the opportunity for OT, which I have scheduled for a couple of days this week. However, I'm not sure I want to work OT all the time. I guess I will if I have to, right? 

As for my classes, they are getting a little better. I'm doing well, so I can't complain...much. I have also made some pretty good new friends. Here's hoping a second job I can work part time comes along. I don't want to worry about money...it aggravates my insomnia. 

New Job, New Bitches

So having moved to Big Sky Country, I had to find a job to support myself while I'm going back to the money-sucking university to get another degree. I found said job in customer service at a well-known satellite television provider. Now, for the most part, I have enjoyed the first 5 weeks of training and have done very well. But as you know, my patience for bitches is next to nil. The training class I'm in currently is the largest they've had in quite a while at Satellite TV. In this class, I have found some entertaining and mainly awesome people that I get to hang out with outside of work (saving me from drinking bottle after bottle of wine by myself in my tiny little house in a city where I know next to no one). Unfortunately, the class is full of twenty-something idiots that have the "look at me! pay attention to me!" problem that most of this generation seem to have these days. The compulsive and fucking annoying need to comment on EVERY-FUCKING-THING is too much. I mean, the fact that they know next to nothing about life doesn't seem to dawn on them. Seriously. They suck all the energy out of the room and leave it devoid of any intelligence whatsoever. It's all I can take. Luckily, we have gone through all the classroom part of the training and are now on the phones. I thought this would mean I wouldn't have to deal with most of them. Wrong. On my "team" are two of these ball sacs. One can barely make it through a sentence without telling us about her eidetic memory and how awesome she is. So you can memorize shit quickly and effectively. Good for you. Unfortunately, you can't fake empathy or sound less than robotic when you speak to others. You are sad. Get over yourself. The second one has to argue with EVERYONE about EVERY damn thing. It really doesn't matter what it is or if he's wrong, he's gonna argue. The problem with this is that, between him arguing with whatever our team leader and job coaches say and the other one having a comment and letting us know how awesome she is, shit takes 10 times as long to get completed. This works my last nerve because, frankly, I don't give a damn what either of them has to say at this point. And the fact that they seem to think they are clever by repeating whatever I say with what they seem to think is a southern accent is getting tired. I've not said anything yet. I've kept my mouth shut and gone about my business. But holy hell, they are working my last nerve! So my advice to all the millennials out there: You are not as great as you think you are. Go tell your mom. You have yet to accomplish anything remotely grande enough to have the level of overconfidence you possess. So shut the fuck up already! Those of us that earned our confidence want to punch you in the face and the crotch. 

Hopefully, I'll find a better paying job in education once hiring season starts here for next school year. Otherwise, you might see my face on the news for going ape shit on two co-workers at a call center. I'm this close, people. 

Grizzly Adams Lives, and He Might Be A Serial Killer

So I arrived in Montana just over 2 1/2 weeks ago. It has snowed here and there, and I'm almost completely unpacked. Almost. Of course, ole Sassy can't go ANYWHERE without meeting "interesting" people. I have a disease, and it's called "one of those faces." Since I arrived in Big Sky Country just before the Christmas holidays, I was unable to schedule delivery of my washer/dryer until after Christmas. Thus, I had to go retro and take my dirty laundry to a local laundromat. 

Sparkle Laundry is not a bad place. They provide a TV room, lay out the day's paper, and even have a snack bar that will whip you up a mean cappuccino. Fuckin' A. Plus, they provide you with as many quarters as you want (bonus!) without looking annoyed when you ask for change. As I loaded a couple of washers, I noticed a rather large, hairy gentleman sitting at the snack bar. He didn't look homeless really, just a bit scraggly. He reminded me of Grizzly Adams from that old TV show.  After I got all my undies in the washers started, I decided I needed a diet Coke. The man at the snack bar was reading Nietzsche, so we had brief discussion on some of the common themes that I had knowledge about, and I quickly ascertained this guy was a 54 yr old career student. Scary. As I sat down to read the paper, Grizzly Adams decided to come and chat me up. Now, I don't want to sound like a snob, as I'm no such thing. However, he seemed a bit...well, off. Here is a snippet of our conversation:

GA: Well hello there! What's up, pretty lady?
SB: Um. Hello, how are you? (I am from the South, and bad manners are not tolerated!)
GA: Funny that you ask. Do you know how frustrating it is when your dehydrator isn't working? I'm completely out of jerky. (I shit you not, he said this!)
SB: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess you could just go buy some emergency jerky at the store though, right?
GA: Store jerky?! That stuff is full of chemicals, and I don't even think it's really what they say it is. It's dog. 
SB: Oh no! I don't think they could use dog to make jerky. There has to be some law against that. 
GA: Sweetheart, do you really think the government cares if we eat dog? They purposely put shit in our food to control us. (Ok, at this point, he's gone beyond eccentric in my book and totally on to being totally fucked up)

(At this point, I'm starting to get a little worried that he might either be carrying his firearm (or several) or a vial of anthrax. He's getting the friggin' bug eyes and starting to twitch. I began to wonder if maybe he might be high on something.)

SB: Uh, well...what do you put in your jerky? (Why? Why did I not just stop talking??!)
GA:  I usually use elk or deer. They make the best jerky. 
SB: So you are a hunter? My dad likes to hunt too.
GA: I only eat what I catch and kill myself. I won't let them control me. 
SB: Them? 
GA: Have you been listening to me? The fuckin' government! (with this statement he pounded his fist on the bar)
SB: Oh. Well, I don't think I could do that. I'm not much of a hunter. I don't necessarily have a moral objection to regulated hunting to control populations and as long as the animal is used for food, but I don't really believe sport hunting is right. And I am absolutely creeped out by the whole idea of taxidermy and hanging animal heads on walls. 
GA: (Smiles) I could take you hunting. I have a cabin just north of town. 
SB: Thanks all the same, but I don't want to be a hunter. Ever. I couldn't do it. I tried it before and just couldn't. I think my loads are ready to dry now. (start to get up)
GA: (Puts his hand on my shoulder as I am getting up) That's too bad. I think you would enjoy my cabin. (wink)
SB: Sorry, dude. Thanks anyway. I gotta get my laundry done, or my old man will beat the shit out of me. 

Okay, people, is that not totally serial killerishy? I kept cutting eyes at the soda jerk, but he was quite engrossed in his Nietzsche....or pretended to be. WTF? My skin crawled the entire last 45 min. I was there, and Grizzly Adams was a fucking starer! I finally took my last load out of the dryer early and got the hell out of there. I just hung up what wasn't quite dry once I got back home. Of course, I was completely paranoid about every noise I heard at night and couldn't sleep for the next 3 days. I slept with my friggin' gun under my pillow. I am definitely a weirdo magnet! I didn't even start the conversation. And the fact that the soda jerk didn't even twitch makes me even more uncomfortable because I fear this might be what passes as normal conversation in these parts. Holy shit! So now, everywhere I go, I'm on the look out for Grizzly Adams. Call me paranoid, but it's been two weeks, and I'm still completely creeped out by that conversation. If I don't write anything in a few days, call the police. I may be hanging on a meat hook in Grizzly's cabin just north of town awaiting my fileting so that he can make Sassy jerky. 

(Other than this incident, people have actually been pretty nice, and  you cannot beat the scenery. I even got a job tip from my satellite installer that panned out. Gainfully employed is good. Serial killer victim, not good.)

What's up with y'all?

Ain't Nuthin Gonna Break My Stride...

Well, well, well. I see that many of you, like myself, have been far too busy to blog. That's okay. I forgive you. And myself. I'm just that kinda gal. I return to you today with some epic news (okay, maybe not epic but still news) regarding my current living situation. After the Mayberry shakedown I received, I decided that I was taking a full 3-week vacation to sort the shit out in my brain. After a wonderful road trip that included Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, North and South Dakota, and Idaho, I decided to make a serious life change. So I applied to several doctoral programs. I got accepted to all of them. I chose the University of Montana. So yes, I'm joining John Mayer and escaping to beautiful Montana. Granted, I'm not going to Bozeman, but I could still blog a John Mayer douchebag sighting here and there. So after months of planning, I'm hitting the road and relocating in 3 weeks. I've secured housing for me and my remaining pups (I lost my Pug and Boston this summer due to old age), resigned effective December 31st (of course, I have numerous personal days that will allow me to leave in the aforementioned 3 weeks while still getting paid because the Head Shed never granted me a real vacation in the past 4 years), and I'm changing my life. Mid-life crisis, you ask? Perhaps. I just kicked the latest man to the curb, so I'm free to pursue any number of virile manly men that the state of Montana has to offer. Mostly though, I'm just relieved to leave. Who knows what will happen? What I do know is that these fuckers can kiss my ass as I walk the hell out. I'll even mark the spot for them. Of course, many people (even those whom I actually care about) have decided that I am crazy, stupid, or otherwise because I'm making such a drastic move. But then again, I've always done this kind of thing.  Sure, I could have stayed here, gotten another job (actually was offered several), eventually agreed to marry the latest BF, but I don't know that I would have been as happy as I am right now. There is nothing more exciting than a new adventure! Do I have a job? No, but I will. Do I know anyone? No, but I will. Plus, I will be Dr. Sassy soon enough with a little hard work and a lot of confession (goodbye, Father Glenn! woo hoo!). So be nice, bitches, and wish me well! Mayberry is soon to be in my rear view mirror! The best part? It was on my terms. Fuck you, Head Shed! I win!

Somewhat Down But Never Out

As in previous posts, I believe I've made clear the bullshit that is going on in Mayberry and the campus I was "promoted" to. I use the quotes because evidently this was not a true promotion but simply a person to deal with all the shit for a year until they decided to move someone else over there. Yes, folks, it was not a permanent move. I have been deceived, abused, and worked to within a foot of my grave so that the Head Shed could install their golden child. WTF? Here are the highlights of my recent shit storm:

1. I neglected my family, friends, and personal life to take over at a troubled school at the REQUEST of the Sheriff and his minions for the past year. I shuttled out 5 idiots, reorganized the scheduling, instituted some much needed systems, and generally won back the support of the parent community and students. Then I find out that the job wasn't really ever mine anyway. Interim was never removed from my contract language as promised.

2. I hired some excellent staff. They are high performers and professionals. They don't engage in gossip and visit the rumor mill. They do their job and are nice to kids and parents. Unfortunately, there are far too many assholes that have been at the school forever. I hope they don't ruin my people! Additionally, I went through all of the aggravation of preparing a building to be shut down as there are new facilities for next year that the school will be moving into. Right now, all my shit is over at this new facility. I will not, however, be moving in.

3. I was the victim of vicious lies and gossip. I ignored it because anyone that knows me or has worked with or for me knows better. It has persisted and gotten more insidious. I have held my head high and given them the social finger in my mind for going on 14 months without losing my cool and responding unprofessionally. Right now, however, I would love to kick some serious ass and verbally shred some bitches.

4. I have consistently disagreed with the #1 Minion on some key issues, mostly because this person was making judgments and assessments based on looking at some numbers from a test. While I knew it was at great personal risk, I never believed this person would make it their mission to take me down in the eyes of the Sheriff. Guess what happened?

5. The Sheriff has pretty much checked out and left his balls in the pocketbook of #1 Minion. He's working on an advanced degree so that he can move on from Mayberry. He can deny all he wants, but according to my drivers license, I wasn't born yesterday. This leaves me with even greater concern that #1 Minion might be the Sheriff in waiting. Holy shitballs, I'm screwed if that's the case!

6. In this state, test scores are king. The school's test scores this time around were still better than last year's, but there were new requirements to get the ratings you want as a school this year. "My" school missed one of the requirements in one subject area by 2% points (the school would not have even be considered for a higher rating last year under the new requirements). #1 Minion has called this, "No better than complete failure." In two other subject areas, however, the school achieved it's highest scores EVER under my leadership. Who's the real failure here, bitch?

7. There was also an "informal" and evidently "anonymous" complaint made against me alleging that some of the rumors I listed in a previous post were true. #2 Minion, aka Skeletor, was told by #1 Minion to investigate. Basically, the outcome of this witch hunt was that, while they cannot be substantiated, evidently I'm the designated asshole on the Minion Coven's shitlist. I had to sit through a long ass session of having my fucking character assassinated with no recourse. No proof was given but guilt was assumed since someone else fucking said it. I find it fucking amazing that in the space of 14 months I have evidently developed a completely different and most horrible personality. Seriously?

8. At the onset of this "investigation", I obtained the services of an attorney in case they tried to bend me over on such nonsense. He is ready to move forward on some serious shit, but I'm trying to decide if I'm going to commit career suicide and sue for harassment and unethical labor practices. Depending on what they end up doing, I'm possibly looking at walking away from a 17 year career in my chosen field of work. Needless to say, I am a bit stressed.

9. The official word currently is that I'll be reassigned to a previous position, which includes a substantial pay cut. There were threats of possibly trying to terminate. Of course, I'm more than aware that there are absolutely no grounds. This means I would have to take things public, which they most certainly don't want me to do. I might lose a career, but they will lose money, credibility, and possibly their power as well. Due process was not given, and so I could really bend them over a this point.

10. I'm obviously working on an exit strategy with my reputation and dignity intact. I'm currently contracted for two years, so unless I commit some heinous crime, I cannot be terminated. I have done a complete data dump of my email, digital files, and meeting notes from the past 5 years that I'm storing here at home. If I am the subject of any retaliation or harassment for seeking the advice of counsel, I'm set.

All in all, I'm deeply offended, disappointed, and disheartened. It sucks to work your ass off for people and then become the target of some shady bullshit. Think good thoughts for me, my friends. I'm out there again filling out applications and sending out resumes and letters of interest hoping to start anew in a much bigger place. I'm just over this small town Mayberry shit. At any rate, I've learned something from this experience, right?

If I Was Getting This Much Action, I'd Be In A Much Better Mood

It's March...almost April, people! Where the hell has the time gone? Here's where:

1. The first semester of this term has flown by with countless aggravations. I'm worried that my promotion is really an experiment in sleep deprivation, stress management, and bullshit tolerance.

2. We are getting ready to move into a new facility, and I've just about decided that it could be years before I ever see a real summer vacation again.

3. Although I should be past expecting adults to act like, oh I don't know...ADULTS, it appears that after 40 yrs on the planet I've maintained way too much of my naivete. I've managed to piss off most everyone because I have these outdated expectation that people do their jobs, talk nicely to the youngsters in their care, and speak respectfully to their bosses. I know...crazy huh?

4. I live for one moment of peace. Just one.

5. I've given up red meat for Lent. Since I am a picky eater, I'm thinking this might be how I lose some weight because vegetarian fare is, in a word, disgusting.

6. I've been called a racist, a bitch, and accused of countless other crimes. It's amazing I'm allowed to walk around free, isn't it?

7. Some of the hilarious and seriously idiotic rumors going around about me: I'm evidently sleeping with just about every male I'm seen with at work; instead of being away at training, I got a boob job; I hired my new black assistant principal only because I'm sleeping with him AND he didn't speak ebonics in the interview; I hate religious people because I'm an atheist; the degrees hanging in my office were bought on the internet; I'm most likely pregnant and don't know who the father is, but he is likely my new AP; a few people were fired because they stopped sleeping with me; even though I'm evidently sleeping around, it's not just limited to men; I have a raging meth problem; I'm really a robot (okay...I made that up, but seriously, look at all the other shit!).

8. Although I've pretty much weeded out as many as the dumbass incompetents I can, there are those who seem to be untouchable...for now. I'm pretty sure that they are the idiots spreading the falsehoods listed above in #7. Unluckily for them, I have an infinite capacity to wait and work on them methodically.

9. Thanks to the Tea Party, I'm trying to figure out how to shave off $50K from an already stretched budget. I'm all for spending reform, but I can't really guarantee anyone can learn anything in a class of 45. All you rich fuckers need to pay more taxes already...otherwise your offspring will be even dumber than they already are. Additionally, how about the oil companies quit lying to us and kick in some money to the schools?

10. I'm seriously considering quitting my job and become a squatter at the Governor's Mansion.

Despite all of the above, I'm still working like a crazy person and sleeping only when necessary. My boss demands it.

How y'all doin'?

It's Hard to Shake a Case of the Dumbass

So I've been working like slave labor all summer trying to hire cool kids to replace the idiot sacs that left. So basically, I've been an interviewing whore all summer long...and now it's like a few weeks until school starts again. I actually crunched the numbers, and I've interviewed or pre-screened roughly 250 people. Yes, that 2-5-0. At this point, I'd like to take my ass to a beach somewhere and stay mute for a month. I know sign language, so I think I could pull it off. Of course, I'll have to look up the sign for "Belvedere martini, make it dirty with 3 olives", but I'm educated so I figure I can wing it.

During this "experience", I've learned a few things. So hang on tight while I lay some serious wisdom on your ass:

1. When a resume contains a space where some dumbass decides to list his supposed IQ, chances are he's the worst kind of dumbass. Here's a little tip for you, Mr. I-think-I'm-so-fucking-clever-for-trying-to-list-some-ridiculous-IQ number-on-my-resume: Unless you are Stephen motherfucking Hawking, John Nash, or that Marilyn Vos Savant bitch, your IQ number is a big, fat, fucking lie. Even Donald Trump wouldn't hire you just so he could fire you. Stupid ass!

2. Dear Aggressive Applicants: It is outrageously inappropriate to drop by my office unannounced demanding to speak with me about the position, as it is equally inappropriate to call me and leave a voicemail demanding a return call to "discuss your qualifications." It's like dropping in at someone's house that you don't know unexpectedly and inviting yourself to dinner and a skinny dip in their hot tub. Listen up Gen Y slackers and mama's boys, when you harass me for a job, I find myself hating you with a white hot, burning kind of loathing. If I wanted to interview you, I'd have called you in for, yes, a fucking interview. Don't make me get a restraining order...or my gun.

3. If in an interview you try to be everything you think I want, I instantly distrust your flip-flopping ass. And you don't care about money? Seriously? I'm smarter than I look, junior.

4. If you don't know the answer, do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to fake it. Those framed diplomas on the wall are real. I'm smarter than I look.

5. It's probably not the best idea if you chunk the deuce with a "Peace out!" as you exit my office after a lackluster performance in the interview. It only makes me think that you rented the suit and tie, and that your real wardrobe consists of pants near your ass, a backwards baseball cap, and a t-shirt that reads, "Everything's a good idea when you're drunk."

6. Hey Einstein: I check references. It's not a good idea to ever put bullshit on your resume. Additionally, you might want to ensure that your references actually have positive things to say about you. You cannot bullshit a bullshitter.

7. Finally: I realize that the economy is in the shitter, and many of you are looking for a job. Newsflash! Not everyone can teach, and just because some greedy ass program gave you an official-looking letter stating you are eligible to get a teaching certificate does not mean I want you anywhere near children. Or me. I'm convinced that the old adage, "Those who can't, teach, " should read in this new age, "Those who can't have gotten a degree in finance, business, marketing, or liberal studies." I'm infuriated that you really are delusional enough to think that your degree somehow trumps 2 of mine. Fuck off you no-job-having piece of shit!

Okay. There are SO many more pieces of wisdom I could share with the current job-seekers out there. I'm thinking of starting a side business devoted to contract killing just these kinds of people. I'm up for some help in naming my future corporation and for tag lines. Anyone?