I'm of a "certain age", and while I've been many places and experienced many different things, I never thought my most recent trip to Walmart would yield me a new and somewhat creepy experience.
So, I had to visit Walmart for those most basic needs: food, drink, dog food, hairspray...you understand. I decided that since I was in my civilian clothes (no SpongeBob pants, mind you...I learned my lesson!), I could venture again to the local Walmart Neighborhood Market. All things considered, my shopping experience this time was very routine and nothing to write home about. Until I got in line at the checkout. As you might have pieced together by now, I tend to have some unusual experiences while waiting in lines. If you haven't pieced that together by now you are either new to this blog, or you're a complete fucking idiot. Take your pick.
Anywho, I was waiting in line perusing the latest rags that had either "Britney Spears Shocker! She wants another baby!" or "Thinner thighs and rock hard abs in 2 weeks!" headlines on them, when I heard someone roll up behind me. Being a curious and observant individual, I turned slightly to catch a glimpse of my newest linemate (I mean, it could be some hot guy who likes SpongeBob pants!). I was not, however, prepared for what I saw. The man behind me was a REAL LIVE ALBINO! Holy shit! I know I was staring, but I'd never really seen one up close and personal! I quickly turned back around and, heart racing, sent off a quick text about said albino to someone I knew who enjoyed the freakish and odd. Then try as I might, I could not help but to keep sneaking glances at him. I mean, the white hair, skin so light it was practically translucent (WAY whiter than yours truly, thank God!), the odd, red-rimmed eyes (but they weren't pink in color like albino rats or anything) that were surprisingly very dark. It was all too much to ignore!
Of course, when you are trying to be inconspicuous, you inevitably get caught. Dammit! So about the umpteenth time I snuck a glance, the unexpected happened: dreaded eye contact between me and my albino. Not one to be nervous in social situations, I was temporarily immobile. I just stared. Finally, after what felt like days of connection, I kinda just smiled. Then, he smiled in return, and the stuff of nightmares was born. His teeth were kind of a dull yellow, which contrasted sickly with his pasty complexion. I thought I might drop dead of a heart attack right there! I know, I know, it's sounds so mean, but what the fuck? This was uncharted territory for me!
So I quickly turned around and started clumsily putting my items on the belt thingy when it happened: I dropped my damn green tea carton! As I quickly bent down to pick it up, the white devil stooped down as well, and then we were face to face, only inches apart with our hands on my teabags! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I think I mumbled, "Thanks" and he replied, "No problem, sweetheart, " smiling his creepy smile. I think I flinched. Needless to say, I got out of there was quickly as I could. And I also did have nightmares about fanged albino killers!
Today though, I just feel shamed. I mean, he wasn't cruising the WNM for his next victim to cannibalize...as far as I could tell from his shopping cart, he was getting chips and beer for the football game. Why oh why had I reacted that way?? I'm sure he thought I was a complete batshit bitch who was off her meds.
When I went to see Father Liam this morning, I confessed my obvious prejudice, and he said, "We all fear what we do not know, Sassy. But he is also one of God's children. Being kind to those who are unlike us shows His grace." Motherfucker! Thanks for the guilt trip, Father Liam! And two Our Fathers included in my penance? Shit! He was an ALBINO for chrissakes!
*Father Liam may be leaving me! They may send him to a mission in Belize! BELIZE! How the hell am I going to deal with that? Do you know what it takes to break in a new priest?? I'm quite certain Father Liam already thinks I'm a little bit crazy, but he's not new to the priesthood and seems to be handling me quite well. Please God, don't send me an albino priest...I'll end up in hell in a handbasket for sure!