Okay, so I'm still too busy to put down anything original here, but I thought I might share some information that would be helpful to my clueless male readers. I received this information via an email from my beloved little sister. Gentlemen, the myth about women being complicated is just that, a mere myth! Below, I offer you the 9 words women use and their true meaning. What can I say? I'm a giver...
1. Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome in a warm manner. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot" - that is PURE sarcasm, and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say "you're welcome" ... that will bring on a "whatever").
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying, "FUCK YOU and the horse you rode up on, you stupid bastard!"
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to # 3.
So, am I right, or am I right? You can send cash in lieu of your thanks, however.
*Hope you all have a sweetheart for V-Day...give 'em a kiss and say it's from me..
So is the problem that men don't understand what women are saying, or that women don't say what they really mean, causing men to have to either try and figure it out or say "fuck it, if she can't say what she means I'm going to do what I want anyway because this is a no-win situation and regardless of how much ass I kiss I'm still going to be wrong and she'll bitch about me to her co-workers, parents, and priest for the next six weeks, just because she can, but in the meantime I - as a man - will forget what the hell she's mad about in the first place as soon as I catch a glimpse of side-boob when she's doing her hair in the morning."
ReplyDeleteYeah, all the world's problems could be solved by more glimpses of side-boob.
Bravo Jeff *clap* *calp* *clap* well put. "what honey?" hang on Jeff my wifes rambling about something...." Uhhh yeah sure thing hun, just give me 5 minutes!" Anyway, sorry. What was I saying? Oh yeah, well put, I couldn't have said it better myself.
ReplyDeleteMy god, were you really listening to any argument I've ever had with a woman over, say, the last 182 years? Fine. Whatever. I'll get it myself. Look behind the ketchup!
ReplyDeleteOf course men have exquisitely keen hearing, but it is often unable to hear the sound of a woman's voice, so perhaps we make our own misery, eh?
That's true enough, Sassy.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't get me started on leaving the toilet seat up.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to go take a shower and dry myself off with the shower curtain now if anybody needs me.
Five minutes: all I need to completely satisfy you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought I knew what the heck my wife was saying? I am now having to translate the past 22 years into wifese and get the real meanings now?
ReplyDeleteDarn, translating is a beeotch, I suck at foreign languages.
Gotta love this, Sassy! Although, I'm more one to say what's bugging me, unless we're in public! I'd rather have it out, then to let it simmer!
ReplyDelete:o) BJ
This is why women should be seen and not heard...
ReplyDelete...except you, Sassypants! ;)
WORD, Sassy.
ReplyDeleteJeff-Women want you to intuit meaning because that's what they do...and the side boob is a ploy...
ReplyDeleteJT-Surely you see that by knowing the true meaning of these words means more sex??
Michael-Sure, Glenn Close was batshit crazy in that movie, but Michael Douglas didn't really listen, did he? All the signs were there...
LBB-You're a good man, LBB. I can just tell... ;)
Jeff2-All you need to do is listen, my friend, LISTEN...
Pugsley-Is that like saying, "The check's in the mail.."?
Mid Lifer-Do you want more sex? Well, do you punk??
Blogget-Now come on...you know some of these you've said before and meant exactly what was written! ;)
Dyckie-I have much to teach you, Grasshopper...
Krissie-Yep.
Women are crazy. You (speaking generally) always want to know what we're thinking, but I guarantee you wouldn't be happy if you really knew.
ReplyDeleteYou want to talk after sex. Sorry, but after that marathon 4 minutes of world-rocking I just threw you I only want to chug my Gatorade and take a nap. (Well, maybe 5 minutes if you include foreplay - I'm a gentleman, after all.)
And now we're supposed to know what you want when you're not using your words? We probably know and understand more than we let on, but if you ain't gonna say what you mean, don't get your panties in a bunch if we don't pull apologies and roses our of our collective asses.
I do run into this lack of proper communication once in a while, mainly around dinner time. I ask my wife "What would you like me to make?" (I'm the cook in the house). If the answer comes back as "I don't care", my wife has forfeited her right to complain when I make T-bone steak with a side of Porterhouse.
And don't underestimate the power of the side-boob. Unless it's wrinkly granny-style side-boob. That'd just be wrong...
Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
ReplyDeleteI get this one almost daily from my better half. I may have to drown her because of it.
Everything I know about women I learned from Muskego and Dykerson.
ReplyDeleteSex? Sex? What the hell is sex?
ReplyDeleteAin't it the truth.
ReplyDeleteLOL Sassy...I'm sure I've used these as a prelude to letting him have it....okay. Generally, he learns pretty fast that letting me simmer about something is a bad idea....it just gets spicier!
ReplyDelete;o)