So I'm at the post office today after being sent home from work all sickly. I thought I might just be able to time it right so that I didn't have to wait in line. I mean, people still work at 1:00 in the afternoon, don't they? Apparently not. That bitch ass line was out the door! And it's colder than a witch's tit out today too! So I'm waiting in line with my package trying to fill out everything so that people don't get all shitty from the line when I make it up to a postal person, and the old guy with a cane behind me starts talking to me.
OGwC: What ya got there, sweetheart? Sending out some Christmas gifts?
Me: Well, I guess it's sorta like a Christmas gift, but it's cookies.
OGwC: Oh how delightful! Nothing says, "I love you" like homemade stuff.
Me: Umm...I wouldn't say that these are the "I love you" type of cookies! Ha ha
OGwC: Well darlin', you just remember that they can! Pretty girl like you should have a lover.
Me: Uh huh...well, thank you!
OGwC: You are a sweet girl! (Pats my arm and smiles warmly)
Me: Why thank you. (Smile warmly back at him)
Then I let the old guy in front of me because I was still trying to address my package. Then I drop my car keys. As I reach to pick them up, my head collides with a Good Samaritan who was also trying to pick them up for me. After the initial, "Doh!", I see that this is a tall kid of about 21 or so. Here's the conversation:
Me: Thank you so much! I'm so sorry that I knocked you in the head! Ha ha
Him: No problem! Ha ha It was my fault. My mother always said to help out a lady in need.
Me: You're mom is a smart lady. But really, thank you.
Him: You sure got your hands full there. Do you need some more help? (Winks at me)
Me: I'm fine, thank you again.
Him: You sure have pretty eyes. (He was more or less ogling my cleavage, however)
Me: Thank you. I had nothing to do with them. All my father's doing.(I turned back around)
Him: (Taps me on the shoulder) Are they real?
Me: No, they're glass. I'm blind.
Him: Ha ha! That's funny! I meant are they the real color?
Me: Yes.
Him: They sure are light.
Me: Uh huh. (still keep turning around after answering him)
Him: Does your boyfriend like them too? Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: Listen, Romeo. I'm at the post office so that I can get some things sent off. I'm not here trolling for some ass. I'm not sure where this conversation is going, but I do know it will not be having me as a passenger. Thank you again for helping me with my keys, but you're too young for me, and I'm out of patience.
Him: Uh...well...sorry. "Bitch...must be a lesbian" (under his breath)
Okay people, what the hell was that? The old guy, he was pleasant, and I'm normally okay being up for a chat. However, I don't need Grandpa Jones to tell me to find a lover. I have grandparents to remind me that I'm single again. Secondly, what was Junior thinking? Is the post office the new singles hot spot? What a freak! And to think that, in the beginning, I was thinking how nice it was that someone his age was a gentleman! I will never understand why not being interested makes one a lesbian. Surely you boys grow out of that?
Again with the little boys and old men!
Hey Junior, a little piece of advice: Don't be talking about a girl's eyes while speaking to her chest. Newsflash: They don't talk! Also, don't be running your game at the post office. I'm sure there are much more interesting places in which to proposition the ladies.
Do I just have a sign on my forehead? It's not like I'm super hot or anything. Jesus! Although I've had quite a run this past month or so, men don't regularly hit on me. At least, I don't think they do...not in any serious manner anways. Whatever...
*Yes, I know I shouldn't have gone to the post office if I was running a temperature, but I had shit to mail! And I never get off work soon enough to actually get to the post office, bitches!
**And I know I was rude, but I'm sick and tired. Give me a break!
First off, mailing "shit" is against post office regulations. You could be in for trouble if the feces police get wind of this.
ReplyDeleteSecond, maybe the kid knows a lot more about lesbians than you think. Are you sure you aren't one? Were you wearing a shirt that says "I {heart} vagina" or something like that?
Third, I love it when Southerners say it's cold out any time between December and February. I'll trade daily high & low temps with you any time for the rest of the winter, and even spot you 10 degrees! :)
I've got a special "package" for you myself...but I need to "deliver" it in person! When should I come by??
ReplyDeleteJeff-LOL I mailed cookies, NO I wasn't wearing an I heart vagina shirt, and YES, it's freakin cold for these parts!
ReplyDeleteDyckie-You're so romantic. Why must you torture me?
You know what women need to start carrying and handing out? Rejection cleveage cards. You know.
ReplyDeleteLook, fella, I'm not interested in you but here have a picture of my tits as a thanks for trying prize. Your effort has been rewarded, now shoo-shoo-shoo.
I would be interested in the cards that Orhan Kahn mentioned. In fact, I would be more tempted to approach women if I knew I'd wind up with one of those.
ReplyDeleteThe way I see it, if I don't keep an eye on your breasts, how can I keep from "accidently" bumping into them? So if you think of it my way, this is a courteous gesture.
And the old codger is right: a pretty girl like you SHOULD have a lover. That is why I' m going to my Post Office right now to mail myself to you, provided you truly aren't a lesbian. Or if you are, and are still willing to pay postage due, I would be willing to waive my usual handling fee.
Orhan-Seriously, come on!
ReplyDeletePugsley-Where would you get the idea that I might even dig the ladies? And I'm not sure you would fit in my mailbox! ;)
Well, I thought it was a ripper idea :(
ReplyDeleteHere, have a crotch-buldge card in place of an apology.
would you rather have had young romeo say, "Wow, you've got really great bewbies"
ReplyDelete?
And yes, most men grow out of that sort of behavior by about 19.