Sunday, December 09, 2007

Taking His Balls For A Ride


Really, gentlemen, what the hell is this:



I'm not sure if this phenomenon is catching on everywhere else, but this douchebag had a fake silver set of balls hanging off the rear of his truck. How did I notice this? Well, first of all, he was driving like 12 mph...just to annoy me, I think. Otherwise, ole Blondie here could not have had the time to search out her Crackberry and snap this little photo. What you can't tell from the crappy cell picture is that they are shiny and silver. Was this a Christmas statement? Silver Balls? Ha. Ha. You dumbass loser. Worse yet, when I passed his stupid ass, he had a pair of what looked like foam titties hanging from the mirror. I think I even threw up a little in my mouth. Classy.


Really, what the fuck? Is this supposed to make other men feel inadequate and the ladies swoon? What part of such an action would make sense? Has there been a staggering increase in douchebaggery in the last few years, or am I just getting old (Don't you DARE answer that, Dyckie!)? Am I supposed to see this tasteful display and drop my panties, panting with desire? What it really makes me want to do is take them and shove them down his shitbag throat! Better yet, grab my pistol and put the poor wanker out of his misery.


Gentlemen, a word of advice: if you have to advertise you have a pair on the backside of your truck, that's pretty much an indicator to us gals, and the gay parade as well, I'm sure, that you are afflicted with one or all of the following:


1. You evidently have no balls, so you bought some cheap ones at the Gas & Sip.


2. Your balls are indeed small and inadequate (along with your penis).


3. You are proud of your 5th grade edumacation.


4. You think you are incredibly cool and all the ladies love you...but you are still living with your mother and working the drive-thru.


5. You dropped your dick in the dirt, and now no chick wants your rotten, herp-afflicted ass. Therefore, you have to act like you are Jimmy Big Balls to save face.


Seriously. Just stop. You're embarrassing yourself. And stop popping your fucking collar while you're at it. Jesus....


*Where the hell would you get something like that? I shudder to think of the Google search phrase. Hor, I hope this isn't a hillbilly thing. If so, you should check the vehicles of all your male kin. ;)



13 comments:

  1. So let me make sure I understand something. You don't like fake balls hanging from pickup trucks?

    I've only seen 'em a few times up here in the land of snow and ice and found them mildly amusing. Then again, I have a slightly warped sense of humor.

    A coin-purse with only one nut would be a good accessory for the dads out there who are stuck driving minivans (like me....).

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  2. Dyckerson, it's official. You have been crossed off my Christmas list!

    Jeff-Really? I mean, COME ON!

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  3. Amen. I freaking hate these things.

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  4. I find them waaay down on the great chart of all things offensive.

    Higher on the list are:
    -Mullets
    -People who let their dogs crap on my lawn
    -Midgets who won't wear a sombrero filled with chips and salsa
    -Cops who pull me over for driving a "stolen car" who don't promptly apologize and let me go after figuring out they entered my license plate wrong on their in-car computer, and instead ask where I'm heading at 6:40 in the morning on a weekday while I"m wearing business casual attire. Isn't that how all junkie car-thieves dress before 7:00am?

    And in my own defense, the minivan is my winter car - honest! (I assume "winter cars" are a northern thing)

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  5. You forgot one...
    Lorena cut them off and he dipped them in shiny silver to preserve the memory of what once was.

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  6. So the US of A is going from Grow a pair to Buy a pair. Surprised, anyone?

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  7. Krissie-I'm pretty sure that it's not just a USA thing...the madness will be spreading. Idiots are not isolated to the US.

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  8. Oh I've thought those were kinda funny for a while now. :) YEP ! It's a hillbilly thing. They've even got ones that look "authentic." (ahahhahahhaha and they have like 6 inches of droop, and wrinkles and everything ahahahah) Sorry.

    One time I saw a guy with a sack and a couple of tennis balls - poor mans ball sack I guess.

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  9. Sassy...you crack me up. I'm still laughing about #4!

    Muskego Jeff is damn funny, too!

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  10. Anonymous5:20 PM

    You preach it. I'll turn the pages.

    I was appalled the first time I saw "truck balls."

    I was even more appalled when I learned it was a TREND!

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  11. Who is this company that manufactures silver testicles to hang from the back of a truck??

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  12. I'm more of a shaft kinda girl myself...

    hahahah

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  13. Hor-Yes, I've seen all the variations of these things hanging off of trucks of all sizes as well.

    RLL-Thanks! Glad to have you here!

    LBB-I'm more than pleased that you aren't an owner of the aforementioned truck balls.

    So-Scroll up to the first comment. Dyck has done the legwork for you.

    Rev-Have you thawed out yet?

    Dr. Ken-Yes, I did. Let that marinate for a while...

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Ramble on a bit. You know you want to.