Dear Santa,
Sassy is not happy, you fat bastard! It's been quite a while since you brought me anything worth a shit! I've given up this "being good" business all year long in hopes that your ginormous ass might bring me something I actually asked for at Christmas. And while we're on that topic, who the hell died and made you the final decision on what is deemed naughty and what is deemed nice? That mean ass little shit Jimmy Turner tortured me in kindergarten, and he still got the fucking motherlode that Christmas while I got a black eye and scabby knees, courtesy of that "nice" little shitbag. Screw you and the sleigh you rode up on, you pathetic excuse for an elf!
And I'm putting you on notice: If you try to stuff your bloated, stocking-clad self down my chimney this year, be prepared for a crotch fire! And I really don't appreciate the reindeer shit you tracked in on your stripper boots last year, so if you are stupid enough to try the chimney even after my above warning, wipe those things off, or I'll shove them down your damn throat! Yeah, you heard me, you jolly, junk-tucking piece of shit! Stop trying to act like your "marriage" is for real. So, you know what it is I want for Christmas, and unless I see it on December 25th tied up with a nice red bow, just keep walking, mister! And stay out of my nog too! And don't try to sneak in here while I'm at my sister's either, like you did last year. Your stench lingered long after you had gone, and I noticed I was missing some panties. Remember: I'M watching YOU.
Love,
Sassy Blondie
Proud member of the NRA since 1996
*Just want to wish all of you non-Jews and believers a Merry Christmas! I hope you get what you want in your stocking and don't end up in the emergency room. Also, don't drink too much and throw up on your Aunt Gertrude's Christmas sweater...even though it would truly be a vast improvement to it. XOXO
I'm wearing nothing but a red bow right now, but I'm having a hard time tying myself up. I may need your assistance, sugar pie!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but did you just ask me to tie you up?? LOLOLOL I mean, what good are you if you can't use your hands? ;)
ReplyDeleteWouldn't it be a lovely Christmas Eve if someone really enticing came down the chimney? Not some pregnant looking bastard dressed up in velvet and faux fur.
ReplyDeleteI want a man that wears jeans and a button up polo and boots that he can take off himself. He would be carrying a bag of goodies that he picked up from the adult entertainment store...Some guy that would make me late for church on Christmas and make my family wait to open all their gifts...Yeah...put that on your list Fat Man!
Santa never brings me anything good either
ReplyDeleteAnd a very Merry holiday period to you little Ms Sassy. Hoping all is well with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for remaining an integral part of my day to day e-life. You're super spesh, don't you ever forget that :)
Muse-The fat bastard gave me the shaft again! GRR...I hate Santa!
ReplyDeleteUnbon-You men are all alike!
Orhan-Why thank you, sugar! Happy Holidays! XOXO
I'd like to give you the shaft, baby!! ;)
ReplyDeleteDyckie, don't tease me...
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in finding out how you got the scabby knees. ;-)
ReplyDeleteNow Pugsley, I was only 5 yrs old...the lil shit pushed me down and took my lunch money. Since I was forced to wear dresses back then, my knees got all scraped up..then he punched me in the face.
ReplyDeleteFun times, eh?
Happy belated Christmas to you.
ReplyDeleteNo gut busting alien flu going around the local hills and valleys this year, so if you consider that (and getting things that I wanted) a good Christmas, then so it was.
Hope you got stuff that you wanted.
What'd you do to piss the Fat Man off?
ReplyDeleteSassy - That's it. He is now on my "Pug's Enemies" list.
ReplyDelete(p.s. - you are the first Texan I've met who is a member of the NRA. That's one more state I can color in on my "play along at home" map!)
Merry Christmas! Santa should bend over and kiss it! Santa Sucks!
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing tha he'll not make it to your house next year.
ReplyDeleteLOL about the missing panties! Too, too funny! ...but it might explain a certain underthing deficiency I have. And I thought the dryer ate them!
ReplyDelete:o) BJ
In the first graf, I believe the word is "motherlode." - Revree's friend Booger
ReplyDeleteBumble-I got squat! What did you get?
ReplyDeleteHedonist-I exist, my friend, I exist.
Pugsley darling, surely you jest? The state of Texas practically IS the NRA! XOXO
Jenny! Yay!
Blogget-That fat bastard took them! I swear!
Boog-Thanks for pointing out my flaws. I really appreciate it. It does wonders for my self esteem...;)