Fear and Loathing at the Barnes & Noble

So I had another hectic week this last week, full of bastards, shitbag problems, and raging bitches...but enough about work. My most interesting story this past week isn't really all about me, but more about a situation that I walked into.

It was Tuesday, and I took a half-day absence because I had to complete a training that I had started a few weeks ago. The training completion lasted only about an hour, and so I found myself free at 1:00 in the afternoon, midweek, and totally fanfuckingtastically FREE. No work, no bus duty, no useless meetings....NOTHING but FREE. So,I thought I might hit the ole Barnes and Noble bookstore since I love to read and seem to pretty well an expert at it. I'm pretty smart that way, for a blonde. So I stopped at new mall-type center on my way home from the center where I completed my training exercise and walked through the doors of a relatively new B&N. First, I LOVE bookstores. I love the smell of them (even before Starbitches put themselves in them), and that day was no different. I noticed the new releases, the current bestsellers, and of course I browsed the clearance racks. When I go to the bookstore, I walk through every section, stop and look through at least one piece of crap (usually this is located in the Science Fiction/Fantasy and Self-Help aisles), and move on to my favorite section: Children's Books. Now I know what you are thinking, so just STOP it! I am not some kind of weirdo perv lying in wait for innocents to ask me to get a book off the top shelf so that I can jump on them. I'll leave that to Dyckerson. What I am is a huge fan of children's books. Mostly because I would love to write one that was even close to being tolerable, and partly because they are so happy and colorful. How come adult books have lost the idea that illustrations are important (and by adult I don't mean the kind of books that Alan keeps lying around his place)?

Anywho, as I walked into the section, I heard what I thought was a couple of kids fighting near the bean bags. So, being the responsible person and long-time educator that I am, I started to walk to the back of the section where the bean bags were to diffuse the situation. Unruly children are completely unacceptable in public, in my opinion. I don't mean little ones that say hello and such...I love kids. I'm talking about the bad seeds out there that have developed due to permissive parenting.

And all of you fucking hippie parents better shut your pieholes about their right to self-expression. Me and all the other patrons in public places have a right to some peace and a chance to enjoy ourselves without your ill-behaved devil spawn spilling, spitting, hitting, screaming, or otherwise molesting us because you don't want to "crush their spirit". Fuck you, tie dye! Go smoke out and hug a tree, you idiot sack.

But I digress... Where was I? Oh yes, I was making my way to the back of the section ready to use my best teacher voice as I rounded the shelves when what I saw stopped me in my tracks. There behind the bean bags were two young men, probably about 19-20 yrs old, GETTING IT ON! WTF???? My eyes! My eyes!! One was actually sitting on the lap of the other...moaning and writhing...again:MY EYES! MY EYES! Now listen, I'm really not someone who cares about the sexuality issue. I lived in NYC and LA, have some wonderful friends in CT who are civil partners, and truly, one of my dearest friends is a raging lesbian (she used to call herself that! LOL). But I would take great issue with ANYONE who thought the children's book section in the Barnes & Noble was the right place to get some quality time. Frankly, it's vile and disgusting. Go to the damn Philosophy section...or better yet the Economics section. There's hardly anyone ever in those sections in my experience. Spice those sections up, pervs!

Anywho, I think I said, "OH. MY. GOD. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod..." as they jumped up rather hastily and said (yes, you guessed it), "Wait! It's not what you think, lady!" Then I must have been saying it rather loudly because they started with the "Shhh!!" Excuse me fuckwad? You are shushing me when you and the Boy Wonder were having a go behind the bean bags and next to the giant stuffed Clifford the Big Red Dog? I know you are thinking, "Sassy, you are totally making this up! I mean, COME ON! That did not happen, and you did not catch them in the act!" Sadly, I'm not making this up. So I finally got my shock under control and found my outrage. I think I channeled some 50s sitcom mom because the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves! What the hell were you thinking? Of all the sections in the store, you had to pick the children's section? Why not take it to the bathroom, George Michael style? Oh my GOD!" They

both opened their mouths to say something, stopped, and then hauled ass out of there. I asked to see a manager and told him the story. He shut down the children's section and hopefully called Stanley Steemer to clean and sterilize. And I certainly pray that he threw the bean bags in the dumpster behind the store. Oh, and I had to give descriptions of the happy humpers to the police. Nice. Thanks for that, boys.

Listen, I'm really not a prude, but this kind of crap is just getting out of hand. I don't give a rat's ass what people do on their own time in their own domain, but I draw the line and get all bent out of shape when they think it is "exciting" or " funny" to engage in such behavior where young children might happen upon them or bear the risk of what is left behind in such encounters. Bad form, guys. Bad form. Blegh.

I guess next time I have a free afternoon I'll go get a pedicure or something. No risk of running into dirty bookstore sex there. Alas, the bookstore will never be the same for me again. Thanks for that, shitbags. I hope you got crabs and festering blisters on your weenies.

*When I related this story to Magic Man, he didn't believe me. This is not a good sign. I think I may have scared him a little.

**Sorry about the sailor mouth. It was a really hectic week, and I won't see Magic Man with his magic hands until later today.