Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Grizzly Adams Lives, and He Might Be A Serial Killer

So I arrived in Montana just over 2 1/2 weeks ago. It has snowed here and there, and I'm almost completely unpacked. Almost. Of course, ole Sassy can't go ANYWHERE without meeting "interesting" people. I have a disease, and it's called "one of those faces." Since I arrived in Big Sky Country just before the Christmas holidays, I was unable to schedule delivery of my washer/dryer until after Christmas. Thus, I had to go retro and take my dirty laundry to a local laundromat. 

Sparkle Laundry is not a bad place. They provide a TV room, lay out the day's paper, and even have a snack bar that will whip you up a mean cappuccino. Fuckin' A. Plus, they provide you with as many quarters as you want (bonus!) without looking annoyed when you ask for change. As I loaded a couple of washers, I noticed a rather large, hairy gentleman sitting at the snack bar. He didn't look homeless really, just a bit scraggly. He reminded me of Grizzly Adams from that old TV show.  After I got all my undies in the washers started, I decided I needed a diet Coke. The man at the snack bar was reading Nietzsche, so we had brief discussion on some of the common themes that I had knowledge about, and I quickly ascertained this guy was a 54 yr old career student. Scary. As I sat down to read the paper, Grizzly Adams decided to come and chat me up. Now, I don't want to sound like a snob, as I'm no such thing. However, he seemed a bit...well, off. Here is a snippet of our conversation:

GA: Well hello there! What's up, pretty lady?
SB: Um. Hello, how are you? (I am from the South, and bad manners are not tolerated!)
GA: Funny that you ask. Do you know how frustrating it is when your dehydrator isn't working? I'm completely out of jerky. (I shit you not, he said this!)
SB: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess you could just go buy some emergency jerky at the store though, right?
GA: Store jerky?! That stuff is full of chemicals, and I don't even think it's really what they say it is. It's dog. 
SB: Oh no! I don't think they could use dog to make jerky. There has to be some law against that. 
GA: Sweetheart, do you really think the government cares if we eat dog? They purposely put shit in our food to control us. (Ok, at this point, he's gone beyond eccentric in my book and totally on to being totally fucked up)

(At this point, I'm starting to get a little worried that he might either be carrying his firearm (or several) or a vial of anthrax. He's getting the friggin' bug eyes and starting to twitch. I began to wonder if maybe he might be high on something.)

SB: Uh, well...what do you put in your jerky? (Why? Why did I not just stop talking??!)
GA:  I usually use elk or deer. They make the best jerky. 
SB: So you are a hunter? My dad likes to hunt too.
GA: I only eat what I catch and kill myself. I won't let them control me. 
SB: Them? 
GA: Have you been listening to me? The fuckin' government! (with this statement he pounded his fist on the bar)
SB: Oh. Well, I don't think I could do that. I'm not much of a hunter. I don't necessarily have a moral objection to regulated hunting to control populations and as long as the animal is used for food, but I don't really believe sport hunting is right. And I am absolutely creeped out by the whole idea of taxidermy and hanging animal heads on walls. 
GA: (Smiles) I could take you hunting. I have a cabin just north of town. 
SB: Thanks all the same, but I don't want to be a hunter. Ever. I couldn't do it. I tried it before and just couldn't. I think my loads are ready to dry now. (start to get up)
GA: (Puts his hand on my shoulder as I am getting up) That's too bad. I think you would enjoy my cabin. (wink)
SB: Sorry, dude. Thanks anyway. I gotta get my laundry done, or my old man will beat the shit out of me. 

Okay, people, is that not totally serial killerishy? I kept cutting eyes at the soda jerk, but he was quite engrossed in his Nietzsche....or pretended to be. WTF? My skin crawled the entire last 45 min. I was there, and Grizzly Adams was a fucking starer! I finally took my last load out of the dryer early and got the hell out of there. I just hung up what wasn't quite dry once I got back home. Of course, I was completely paranoid about every noise I heard at night and couldn't sleep for the next 3 days. I slept with my friggin' gun under my pillow. I am definitely a weirdo magnet! I didn't even start the conversation. And the fact that the soda jerk didn't even twitch makes me even more uncomfortable because I fear this might be what passes as normal conversation in these parts. Holy shit! So now, everywhere I go, I'm on the look out for Grizzly Adams. Call me paranoid, but it's been two weeks, and I'm still completely creeped out by that conversation. If I don't write anything in a few days, call the police. I may be hanging on a meat hook in Grizzly's cabin just north of town awaiting my fileting so that he can make Sassy jerky. 

(Other than this incident, people have actually been pretty nice, and  you cannot beat the scenery. I even got a job tip from my satellite installer that panned out. Gainfully employed is good. Serial killer victim, not good.)

What's up with y'all?

12 comments:

  1. what a great story! sounds very Montana!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Howard-I'm actually LOVING it here. I just wish I didn't attract the weirdos. I mean, I like people. They are interesting. But I don't really like strangers touching me nor zealots of any kind. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous12:36 PM

    I think everything said was very reasonable. But, think on this, what if you were
    to create a killer headline? I am not saying your information is not
    solid., however what if you added a title that makes
    people desire more? I mean "Grizzly Adams Lives, and He Might Be A Serial Killer" is kinda plain.

    You might glance at Yahoo's home page and watch how they create news headlines to get people to open the links. You might try adding a video or a related pic or two to grab people interested about everything've written.

    In my opinion, it might make your posts a little livelier.


    Also visit my page :: view it now

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous3:15 PM

    Hi there mates, how is everything, and what you would like to say
    about this post, in my view its truly awesome
    in favor of me.
    my web site - sell structured settlement

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous5:44 AM

    Please let me know if you're looking for a writer for your weblog. You have some really great posts and I feel I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I'd love to write
    some articles for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine.
    Please shoot me an e-mail if interested. Kudos!

    Feel free to surf to my site; settlement broker
    Also see my website - structured insurance settlement

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous10:33 AM

    I believe what you said was actually very reasonable. But, what about
    this? suppose you were to write a killer title?
    I ain't suggesting your content isn't solid, however what if you added a title that grabbed folk's attention? I mean "Grizzly Adams Lives, and He Might Be A Serial Killer" is a little boring. You might look at Yahoo's home
    page and note how they write post headlines to get viewers to click.
    You might add a video or a pic or two to get readers
    excited about everything've got to say. Just my opinion, it could bring your website a little livelier.

    Here is my web blog; structured settlement broker support

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous8:57 PM

    Whats up very nice web site!! Guy .. Beautiful .
    . Wonderful .. I'll bookmark your web site and take the feeds also? I am happy to search out a lot of useful info right here within the submit, we need develop more techniques in this regard, thanks for sharing. . . . . .

    Feel free to surf to my homepage; cash in structured settlement
    my webpage :: cash payout on a structured settlement

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous10:15 PM

    I liκe it whеn peoplе get togеther and share ideas.
    Great blog, ѕtіck ωіth іt!


    Mу weblog :: reputation management

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous8:35 AM

    It's remarkable to visit this website and reading the views of all mates concerning this paragraph, while I am also eager of getting know-how.

    My web page; https://community.swetswise.com/mediawiki/index.php/User:FerminDal

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous1:42 PM

    Currently it seems like Wordpress is the preferred blogging platform available right
    now. (from what I've read) Is that what you are using on your blog?

    Here is my weblog; league of legends hack ()

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous3:34 PM

    My brother suggested I might like this blog. He used to be totally right.
    This submit actually made my day. You cann't believe simply how a lot time I had spent for this information! Thanks!

    Here is my website World Of Tanks Hack

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous4:40 PM

    When someone writes an article he/she keeps the plan of a user in his/her brain that how a user can
    understand it. Therefore that's why this piece of writing is amazing. Thanks!

    Here is my site ... Download 7Zip

    ReplyDelete

Ramble on a bit. You know you want to.