Hey! Don't be making that all nasty, you freaks! I've been having some trouble lately coming up with anything to write. I mean, I tend to write about things that happen to me, and unfortunately, not a whole lot happening here in Sassytown other than my fucked up job. But when I was out at Happy Hour the other night, a bunch of us were talking about what attracts us to the opposite sex. It was all fun and games until I laid out my love of bald men. Yes, I said I love the chrome domes. I don't know why, but bald men are sexy to me. Not the poor sacks that have the ring of hair...the totally smooth-as-a-baby's-ass bald guys. I don't quite know where this fondness for the hair-challenged male came from. It's not a Daddy thing because the men in my family all have a head of hair..thinning in spots, but nowhere near bald. I mean, I tend to look at eyes first, so maybe it's because without all the action going on with the hair, the eyes stand out. Needless to say when I dropped this little nugget of truth, I heard crickets around the table. Finally, someone spoke up and said, "What? What the hell is that all about?"
That's when I started thinking. Yes, I was completely devoid of thought until that point in time...it was Happy Hour and there was alcohol after all. Not surprisingly (and mostly because the gals were getting shit-faced), my bald statement started a new line of discussion. Sure, we all want a sensitive (but not crybaby ass), honest, romantic guy who has a job and can step away from his mommy. But the conversation got more interesting when we started talking physicalities:
Friend #1- "I like a nice smile. I can't be with some guy with jacked up teeth." (And she's even British...that just doesn't seem right considering the teeth on sooo many British guys)
Friend #2: "I'm quite fond of the ass on a man. There's nothing like a nice, tight ass! Woo!" (We all secretly wonder if she's not into woman ass as well though)
Friend #3- "No offense, Sassy, but I like my men hairy." (Yes, I can't believe I have a friend who likes the hairies...eww..just eww.)
Me: "Well, besides the baldness, I'm into the eyes and a man's hands. Nothing like a good set of hands all over you. And if they can't make me laugh, my panties stay on!" (That's RIGHT! No laughy, no nookie!)
Friend #4: "I like a big dick. Period. I'm a simple gal." (She's the groper of our group...use your imagination there)
So what is it that leads us to focus on particular body parts? I mean, I know guys tend to talk quite a bit about big titties (the hyperfocus there always confuses me), but surely there's more to it than that? I need answers people, and I need them now!
I guess I don't NEEEEEDD certain aspects of a mans apperance to be JUST SO, I just LIKE them that's all.
ReplyDeleteI NEED him to think that I make the sun rise and the moon set and I NEED him to have a sense of humor and a heart of gold.
I would have to fix his teeth if they were jacked up, but only because if they were REALLY screwed up I'd have trouble kissing and getting turned on.
I always imagined myself with a big man, not fat - a little padding yes, but just a BIG man, I THOUGHT that was what I "wanted." But then my lil C. came along with his cute smile and beautiful soul and perfect little ghetto-man-booty (I do love a round booty) and it ALL went out the window.
All I need now is his love, and with the love comes everything else.
That's one hell of a mushy hor, somebody slap her.
ReplyDeleteOkay, even though I'm normally a little reluctant to share, since you've been honest for once, here goes ...
ReplyDeleteI like women who look and dress just like Marilyn Monroe. Ideally they should also be strung out on barbituates and naked on a bed ... but I'll settle for mildly intoxicated and oblivious to my faults (not that I have any).
(In turn, I would dress up as Bobby Kennedy, and announce that I'm ready to receive foreplay via the key phrase, "And now, it's on to Chicago, and let's win there!" along with a thumbs up".)
That is the only Monroe look alike I would consider being with. So don't even try to entice me with that faggy Monroe sitcom character from "Too Close for Comfort", or anyone who looks or behaves like former President James Monroe.
HorLindy-Love is a many splendored thing, eh?
ReplyDeletePugsley-What the hell do you mean since I've been honest "for once"? And your biggest fault is that you have the hots for Hillary C. Blegh. ;)
I was just testing to see how you'd respond. I wanted to make sure you were for real. Congratulations, you passed! And I want you to know that I'd choose you over Hillary any day. And best of all, I meet (almost all) of yours and your friends' criteria. So let me know when you want to announce "us" as an item.
ReplyDeleteCan I get the phone number for Friend #4???
ReplyDeleteOk here goes. I'm going to call bullshit on all who insist "funny, sensitive, honest, romantic" are must have attributes because all must first pass the test of physical looks first. Oh sure, they're must haves for the LONG term, but when meeting someone of the opposite sex (men and women included) humans become much more animalistic than their conscious mind realizes.
ReplyDeleteI've known both women and men who are so good looking they write their own ticket, so to speak, with members of the opposite sex; nevermind that, as people, they're total bastards. Yet despite wanting something so simple as "to be treated as a person of value," I witness them go for the good looking prick/bitch over and over again.
When I hear anyone claim "all I want is someone who's..." followed by a string of intangible adjectives, I can't help wondering if what they MEAN is "all I want is a hottie who's also..."
And frankly, I'm not sure I'm any different, but I try. heh.
There are all kinds of reason people single out individual body parts.
ReplyDeleteFriend #1 may have had a horrible experience as a youth in England where she kissed a boy with gross teeth and it tasted like figgy pudding.
Perhaps Friend #2 used to be a gay man.
Friend #3 is just a saint of a woman who should have streets named after her for her taste and sense.
Friend #4 is a ho.
After pondering this shortly, I have come to realize that I most enjoy the parts on a woman which I have urges to bite. These include hips, ass and shoulders.
If I tell someone they have nice eyes they better start running.
I may be drunk
I love the little glimpses into women's minds.
ReplyDeleteThis is so SATC.
I like to be able to get my fingers into a man's hair, you know? However, I'd do Patrick Stewart anytime. I think it's his voice. I'm a sucker for a testosterone-laden voice.... Chad Kroeger's voice drives me mad. Oh, and add an accent, like Ewan MacGregor's, and I'm totally gone!
ReplyDelete;o) BJ
Pugsley-I do not share. You'll have to get rid of all your other skags before I could ever consider it.... ;)
ReplyDeleteDyckie-I'm not sure even you could impress her...
EA-Bitter, party of one?
Ryan!!! You are back...again!
LBB-A student of life, eh?
Blogget-I know what you mean about Patrick Stewart!! That accent..wow. And I'm not ashamed to admit that the first bald man I had the hots for was Yul Brynner...that man had a presence! Rawr! And btw, I think you put together the perfect man there...
No, not at all. I mean, I'm hot so it doesn't effect me. heh. Just calling 'em like I see 'em.
ReplyDeleteHair...maybe you enjoy a chrome dome because of the Samson thing. A man with a dome has already had to submit his strength to his woman and has risen above that. He has evolved and is more cognitive and sensitive.
ReplyDeleteJust a thought.