Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned...I Don't Like You

I went to confession yesterday for the first time in a few months. I forced myself to go in and talk to Father Liam's successor, Father Glen. At first, I thought I might be uncomfortable, but then I just decided that Father Liam thought I was a little off too, so what do I give a fuck with that new guy thinks? 

Here's how it went:

Me: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been awhile since my last confession. Well, since Father Liam abandoned me, and I got stuck with you. 

FG: What is it you would like to confess...since you are stuck with me? (Nope, there was no chuckle with this to convey that he might have a sense of humor!)

Me: Well, I've been having impure thoughts....like constantly. 

FG: Have you prayed about it?

Me: God yes! I pray every night that my impure thoughts will come true! (Insert laugh here)

FG: (Cleared throat in a disapproving manner) I see.  What do you feel is impure? 

Me: Well, I work with mostly women so I don't have impure thoughts about them although I do have some evil ones, but there are a couple of guys that tend to make it into my thoughts, impure as they are.  One is married but the other is a new guy and divorced. I admit to being flirty with them and getting a reciprocal response. Is this wrong? I mean, it's not like I'm touching them inappropriately or speaking in any kind of sexual innuendo, right? But I certainly have had some steamy daydreams involving them. Plus, one isn't even married, so it's okay to flirt with him, right? And aren't they just as culpable since they are flirty back at me? I mean, it isn't like I'm the only one at fault here, right? (Jeez Sassy, guilty much? )

FG: So you are having thoughts of a sexual nature about two men you work with.  Are you acting on these thoughts?

Me: (Long pause wondering if he means acting alone or with them) NO! What kind of gal do you think I am! I'm not a home wrecker or a whore! Jeez! Are you supposed to call me names?! And do you really think I'd be here confessing if I was getting it on with one or both of these men? (Ok..unfair and trashy sounding, but he pissed me off!) I came here seeking guidance and penance. Isn't that why I should come to you?

FG: Sassy, I am not saying these things to be unkind. And I was not calling you any foul name. Is this all you have to confess? (I think he was trying to rush me! WTF?)

Me: Isn't that enough? You want more? Okay, I lied to my coworker and told her that I would be sad that she would be leaving to stay at home with her grandbaby when I really wanted to jump up and down and do cartwheels.  She's a b--witch, and I'm marking off days on my calendar until that baby is born so that I can be rid of her. Then, I was rude to an old lady at the grocery store because she took up the whole aisle, and I was in a hurry. She was in one of those automated carts and wasn't in much of a hurry. Although I did instantly feel bad that I was rude when I walked around here and so came back and got some tomato soup off the higher shelves for her since she couldn't reach it. I also cussed at a salesgirl for overcharging me on an item and then blaming the register. I mean come on, learn how to find mistakes yourself and stop relying solely on the machine. She actually ARGUED with me until I came back with the sign from where I got the item in the store. Then she got pissy with me because she was wrong. Did I get an apology? No. Customer service is dead!

FG: (After a big sigh) Okay, your penance is 3 Hail Marys and 1 Our Father. Go forth and sin no more. May God bless and keep you.

Me: Really? You're using the "go forth" line?  Okay, but--

FG: Make that 2 Our Fathers.

Me: Dammit! Oh! Ok.

Now this was lame, people! What kind of priest is he? I demand a better one! They must bring Father Liam back!! They MUST! Father Glen? Seriously? He doesn't even have a good accent or look fatherly at all! The man is a newbie! I felt more like I was in the principal's office. That confession did me no good! I did my Hail Marys and Our Fathers, yet I'm still having some racy, inappropriate thoughts about those two gentlemen. I got no advice, no thought-provoking anecdote..nothing. Shit! Now I'm going to have to start shopping for a new priest. I miss Father Liam...

*Yes, I'm going to seek absolution for cracking on the new guy. 

**Impure thoughts shouldn't be a sin until you act upon them, right? Right??  Can I get an Amen??