Don't You Want Me?

Well folks, it's back to Mayberry for another year. Now this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I mean, I love the fine folks in Mayberry! They are not only kind, they are mostly a lot of fun. However, Mayberry is not a place that will allow me to move forward professionally before reaching my 50s. A dead end you say? Yes, I'm afraid so. I'm sure at some point, I'll tire of the kindness and fun...and the small paycheck. But hey, I'm taking steps to move closer to Mayberry if for no other reason than to stop the senseless rape that occurs to me endlessly at the gas pump. I cannot continue to be a victim of such violence! So my new commute will be about 10-15 minutes versus the 45 minutes I've maintained for the past 3 years. I'll no longer be a homeowner, but ask me how sad I am about not pouring anymore of my hard-earned cash into this godforsaken money pit. Anywho, the real reason for this post is to ask you for a job. (No, Dyckerson, not THAT kind of job! Jesus H. Christ you're a perv!)

So here are my qualifications: I'm an experienced educator. I have an enviable and impressive amount of diverse experience that should make me attractive and valuable to most any organization. I have a masters degree and will be working on my doctorate in the next 3 years. I'm a problem solver and damn good at it! I'm dependable, responsible, and extremely loyal. I care about my coworkers. I am excellent in crisis situations (ask anyone!). I have no police record, and my driving record is surprisingly clean.  I'm certified to restrain you, and I can do so without hurting anything more than your pride. I am certified to deliver first aid and CPR. I'm certified to teach and manage and evaluate both adults and children. I read pretty well and quite often. Most people think I'm the shit (seriously, most people do like me). I'm in relatively good health (maybe a little chubbier than I would like, but I'm committed to taking care of that), but I've only filed one workers comp complaint ( a rotten board at a stadium was certainly not MY fault). I have low blood pressure and high energy. I have a strong work ethic, and a sunny disposition.  I love dogs, and well, they love me too. Well, most animals really. Children of all ages love me. I'm generally told that I make people laugh, both at me and with me. I'm all the rage at weddings and barbecues. I have a Tivo. I have big boobs. I'm a hugger. I wear clean underwear. I bake. I go to confession (although to be honest, that's dropped off a bit since Father Liam took that post in Bolivia). I look people in the eye and have a firm handshake. Although I do enjoy alcoholic beverages on occasion, I'm drug and disease free. I'm from Texas, but I've lived on both coasts and actually want to move away again.  I mean seriously, why wouldn't someone offer me a position with more money and a bigger office? What the hell is going on? What does a gal have to do to move up around here? 

If my qualifications might meet your needs, please inquire within. Serious inquiries only, please. I'm pretty busy around here as it is. 

*You might also remember that I own a gun and know how to use it. Thanks!