Fat Dads in Minivans

I fucking hate minivans! HATE THEM! First, they are really ugly. They just are. Second, please don't try to say it's an "all purpose vehicle"...just another name for a minivan. Lastly, people who drive them seem to think they can drive however they want and no one will care because they might contain small children on board. They pull out in front of you on a 45 mph busy street. They change lanes without using a signal. It's like they think we are saying to ourselves, "Oh no! I better wreck my own vehicle before I plow into the dumbass minivan that just pulled out of that parking lot in front of me as I'm going 45-50 mph. They might have kids in there!" Chaps my ass! Now it's been a while, and you may have forgotten that I have quite a lengthy commute to work. The positive in my commute is that it's all mostly interstate driving...four interstates to be exact. Now aside from the county sheriffs that are now acting as traffic cops (which is a whole different issue that chaps my ass) and ruining my pedal to the metal, there are couple of other things that really piss me off on my drive to work. One of these things: Fat assholes in goddamn minivans that drive as if they are on the Indy circuit! Do you know who I'm talking about here? The slightly pudgy, middle-aged balding guy who is driving a maroon or green (do they only make minivans in those colors??) minivan like he's being chased by the demons of hell? Ring any bells?

So anywho, it's THAT guy that tries to kill me at least 3 out of 5 mornings. He's pushing 95 mph, weaving in and out of the four lanes, tail gating, ignoring construction and signs that warn him that traffic fines double in work zones (Where the fuck is that county sheriff when THIS slapdick is on the road??), and he's cutting in on cars with barely an inch to spare between bumpers. And when someone has the audacity to honk at him, he gives them the social finger! WTF? Any given day, he's going to be the reason that I sit in bumper to bumper traffic due to an accident caused by a minivan driver who cut off an 18-wheeler, who lost control of his rig (because jeez, the poor man can't seem to stop on a dime), and now they've shut down 3 of the 4 lanes on my interstate! I can't TAKE IT ANYMORE!! Get that shit under control, man!

Listen Pops, I know the old lady carries your berries in a box in her pocketbook, but this idea that you can grow new ones by driving like a complete bastard maniac in the minivan that was meant for your wife is not the best. I can get behind a little speeding, and granted, you do have much more to make up for than I since you're driving that vessel of emasculation, but the weaving in and out at excessively high rates of speed, the tail gating, the bird shooting...it's got to cease and desist. I still have some things I'd like to do in this life, and you are precariously close to killing my dreams with your fucking mini van and checkered flag mentality. I mean, YOU married her. Don't make the rest of us pay for your mistake. I'm just sayin'....And dude, the spoiler is just pathetic.

*No offense to you gentlemen who give the newer car to your wife and kids for safety reasons...unless you are driving like an asshole. In that case, I hope I offended you deeply.

**School's out, but I'm still working and counting the days until I can just float on my floatie at the pool and work on my skin cancer.