Oh My Gawd!

So I'm on vacation...Spring Break, if you like, and I'm spending some quality time with some neglected friends. One such friend, an older, wiser woman than myself called and said, "Hey, let's drink some dinner," to which I obligingly answered, "I'm there...grabbing the keys now and heading out the door." Actually, we made plans for about 6:00pm. About 5ish, she calls me back and says that she invited a friend from work, if I didn't mind. Now how could I mind? She'd already invited her.

I arrived at the fine dining experience that is Chili's promptly at 6 and joined my friend, JoMo, in the bar area. We are having a drink and trying our best to fend off the overly attentive waitress because we are waiting on JoMo's friend, who'll we'll call C-Bag. After 45 minutes of chips and salsa that was working vigorously to absorb my two G&Ts, C-Bag arrives. She breezes over with no apology, no explanation, and promptly sits down and orders SoCo and lime. Not a lightweight's drink, I think, so I decide to withhold judgment. Then...she speaks. Turns out C-Bag is from New Yawk...a Yankee, if you will, and she's definitely got that raspy whiskey voice. And she is HILARIOUS! Since I spent a few years in NYC and NJ, we have a lot to talk about. Of course, she has some great stories, and every one of them is peppered with, "Oh My Gawd...," rather colorful profanities, and raucous laughter that I attribute to her Italian heritage and Rochester upbringing. I think she scared the waitress, but she did attract the attention of people at the bar. So they started to buy us drinks and before I knew it, it was going on 10pm. Now, I'm 36, so I'm no geriatric, but C-Bag is in her late 50s. I swear, when I left, she was on her 8th SoCo and lime and still going strong. As it was, I was praying all the way home that I wouldn't get pulled over and have to blow..I'd only had three drinks, wasn't feeling even buzzed, but I was certain that while I could easily pass the field sobriety test, the breath test might be another story. Ok, now cut to 1am and I get a phone call. It's C-Bag (mind you, I just met her), and she's asking me to come downtown to bail her out of jail! No, this isn't a made up story. I gave her my business card earlier in the conversation because she has a daughter who is a teacher and is looking for a job. Anyway, I digress. So, here's a transcript of the phone call (remember that I have a southern accent, and she's got a definite NY accent):

SB: (groggily) Hello?

CB: SB? Did I wake you up?

SB: Mother? Is that you?

CB: No, it's C-Bag, JoMo's friend...from Chili's?

SB: What time is it? Did I leave something at the restaurant?

CB: No dawling, I need a favor. Are you awake now?

SB: Oh..hey C-Bag. Is everything okay? Did y'all need me to come and get you?

CB: No dear, I'm not at Chili's...I'm at the GPD and need someone to come and bail me out. I can't reach my husband (under breath: "that good for nuthin' mutha..), and they won't let me bail myself out unless I stay here 4 hours.

SB: How long ya been there?

CB: 'Bout an hour, dear. I can't reach my dawrter or her husband or JoMo, and I sawer I had your cahd, so...

SB: You want me to come to the police station and bail you out? What'd you do?

CB: The bastards say I'm over the limit.

SB: The speed limit? You have to double the speed limit before they will take you to jail! How fast were you going?

CB: No dear, the alcohol limit...to drive. Your a real blonde, eh? he he he

SB: Um...okay. Let me get dressed...I'll be there in about half an hour. Don't go anywhere!

CB: Hah! You ain't kiddin' me! And can you be a sweetheart and pick me up some smokes on the way? Benson and Hedges Lites. Thank yous, dear. I'll be right here.

I got up, threw on some clothes, my glasses (breaking my rule of never being seen outside of my own house in them), and drove to the police station. I got to the jail and talked to the night sergeant who looked very peeved (or was it relieved? not sure). I asked him why she got pulled over, and he told me that the arresting officer didn't really pull her over but caught her on the side of the road (he named a busy road here) squatting, taking a piss. When he came up on her, she just turned her head and asked him if he hand any toilet paper (in my head I heard, "Oh my gawd!")! This of course led to the FSB and BT, which she evidently scored low and high. We got her all squared away and collected her belongings. I won't even go into the hell she raised when they told her that her car was impounded. So, we are walking back to my car in silence, so I think she is probably embarrassed. WRONG. She writes me a check for the bail and the cigarettes, and turns to me and says, "Oh my Gawd! Boy, am I eva' glad I met yous tonight! I mighta been late to work!" At this point, I'm speechless. This woman is a definite force of nature, and I'm just holding on to the pipes. I drop her at her house, tell her to take it easy, and am now home recounting this story for any who happen to drop by. I'm having a bit of trouble getting back to sleep because every time I close my eyes, the voice in my head keeps saying, "Oh My Gawd!"

Hope I'm not called to testify at her DWI trial, but I think it's pretty much a definite that she ended up on dashboard camera.