I've been absent awhile, but I've returned with a quick list...my Shit List. Since taking this new position, it seems to have lengthened a bit dramatically. Coincidence? I doubt it. I'm a bit irritated right now, so I will apologize in advance for the following. Having said that, here's my current Shit List:
10. Mighty Dyckerson-What else is there to say? Isn't he on everyone's shit list? (Just kidding, Dyckie...you know I love you.)
9. Lying Bitches-What do you get for moving to a small town and away from civilization? That's right! Gossipy, lying bitches who make up what they don't know. Listen you skags, if I WAS having an affair with the married colleague you all have the hots for, I might be in a better mood. But I guess I should be flattered that you bitches even think something's going on. Perhaps you old bags don't remember ever having male friends. The next time you make some shit up, I'll have your fucking jobs. I didn't ask for you bitches to work with, I got stuck with your sorry asses. Stupid, redneck whores!
8. Birthdays- OK, so just MY birthday. You know how I feel about my birthday.
7. Slow Ass Drivers-Listen, can't you fuckers read the speed limit signs? I mean, I can't TAKE it anymore! Get with the program or get the hell out of my way!
6. Jesus Freaks-Look, I'm Catholic. I believe in the Holy Trinity and all that. However, I really wish you bible thumpers would give it a rest. As far as I know, Jesus does love me. I don't need you all quoting scripture and telling me how to vote, much less how to live my life. I'm smarter than I look, and not joining your church isn't going to be the reason I go to hell. There are so many more reasons than that...
5. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum-Also known as high school assistant principals in Mayberry. These guys make doing my job unending torture. Listen up, dipshits: if you need to go back to school to learn what is legal and what is not in terms of disciplinary action in schools, please do. The minorities in our district could use the relief of not dealing with your stupid redneck asses for awhile. And stop calling me "sweetie" and "darling". I'm done with the condescending bullshit. Oh, and fuck you too. I'm smarter than the two of you numnuts put together.
4. Network News-My good tv interrupted or completely preempted for long-winded gasbag pundits telling us all what we can read and see for ourselves. And who the hell cares if election coverage went all "high tech"? It still fucked up my Tivo schedule. And by the way, if you're going to look for ways to smear some no name from Alaska, at least get your fucking facts straight. How is that any different than these idiots sending out mass emails about the coming of the Antichrist straight out of Illinois? Do you really expect us to believe that you just got "duped" by some guy sending you information from his mother's basement? Are allegations not vetted anymore at the networks? This is why your audience share declines year to year. Your viewers have already gone "high tech" and get their news online. Oh, and the website you need is: www.snopes.com . Check it out.
3. Banks and Insurance Companies-They have been robbing us blind with their fees since forever, and now they've caused an economic collapse. And they want us to pay up some more because they gave credit to anyone with a pulse at a variable rate and are surprised that people can't pay them back? Shame on you. Just shame on you. In one week my bank (Wamu) and my insurance company (AIG) bit the dust. What the hell? If Nissan goes under, it'll be a trifecta!
2. Prop 8 in CA and those other states too-Listen, I don't care what other people do in their own lives as long as it doesn't mess with mine. Here's a proposition for you: how about worrying about your own damn marriage instead of worrying about someone else's? I'm not gay, but I don't give a shit who is or whether or not they want to get married. What's next? An amendment to stone single people in their late 30s? I'm just glad to know SOMEONE is still interested in getting married. Other than the Prohibition Act (which was subsequently repealed), what other amendment in history (granted these are state constitutions being amended) was passed to take away rights? Frankly, the inevitable has just been avoided for a few more years.
1. Abusers-If I have to read one more story about some fucker abusing their kid, their spouse, or an animal, my head might explode. I will never understand how anyone we call human can be so inhumane. People are more worried about "going green" (don't get me started on the tree huggers either) than punishing mean. I'm fast becoming a proponent of vigilante justice. If you see a story about some asshole getting the shit beat out of him in a dark alley, it very well could've been me who whipped his ass with a sock full of quarters. Who needs a gun?
Whew! I guess that counts more as a rant than a rambling. On a more positive note, gas prices are continuing to go down, I got a great price for my airline ticket to Denver, and I've had a few more quality dates with Roach Clip. No real love connection yet, but damn is that man a lot of fun!
*Insomnia robs me of my much needed beauty sleep...and also makes me cranky and particularly foul-mouthed. Perhaps I'll write something much more full of sunshine in a few days once I fill my Lunesta scrip.
I've never been more turned on in my life! You can whip me anytime, sweetie!! :P
ReplyDeleteOh lol I thought I was going to see my name on there when I read the. :P
ReplyDeleteOk and something funny? I was listening to music with headphones off of my computer from media player - when I came here your music automaticaly started playing over/under mine and for a while I thought some asshole was just playing loud music in the cafe around me. It took me a minute that I could hear the cafe music and it WASN'T this 3rd party music and then another minute to remember you have music on your site and then wonder at the realization that my headphones and computer can play them both.
Lol :P anywhoo I hope you're feeling better :)
Yeah... there are a lot of people that should just be sent to Antarctica in an effort to slow down the breakup of glaciers while being away from the general public.
ReplyDeleteHere's to the better things in life like it only taking a complete economic depression to pretend that the increase in gas prices never happened.
Sorry for the delay. Your phrase "I've had a few quality dates with Roach Clip" totally blew my mind.
ReplyDeleteYa know, I actually feel better now that I've read your rant here. Seriously. I am so blog-fatigued and would love nothing more than to do a rant entry, but I'm just too fuckin' tired of all the bullshit to even blog on it. You've covered most of my issues here, so it feels a bit like a relief. Perhaps I need to just link to your site... would that count as an entry on da blog?
ReplyDeleteI have been very busy too. I soooooooo understand about living in a small town. My hubby is from a small town in Mexico and all of the husbands come to the US to work and leave the women home to gossip and make everyone's life a living hell. I swear, they took the whole "phone tree" to the wrong extremes.
ReplyDeleteI love the city for that reason. Too many people that don't know you, and don't want to know you. I don't like the feeling of everyone knowing my day to day life, especially when they can't even get it right. I do very well with staying disconnected from people but connected at the same time to say "hi, glad to hear you are doing well" and that's it. I don't want to know the specifics of my neighbors. That would be TMI.
I cannot even begin to tell you how much I hate (and I don't use "hate" lightly) gossip queens and busy bodies. I'm sorry to hear that you are having to endere this. I have also noticed that these kind of people usually are religious and live in small towns, have no education and nothing to do but get into things they should not.
I hope that your trip to Denver went well. I you haven't gone yet, I hope you have a great time. Glad to hear you are getting out of the poe dunk town. Enjoy it.
Dyckie-Bend over and take it like a man!
ReplyDeleteLindy-Never! I miss you! Sorry I've been MIA. I'll email you soon...
Bumble-You and Me, we know what's up...
Pugsley, my precious, I can't just wait for you FOREVER! ;)
Cruiser!! I'm glad I speak to the issues that speak to you...or whatever. You know what I mean. Right?
Drywall Mom-Funny enough, I grew up in a town roughly the size of Mayberry here. Thank goodness I grew up and saw a bit of the world, eh? Those gossipy bitches will get theirs...karma is the ultimate bitch! I totally believe what comes around goes around. However, if I do ever prove those bitches are the ones spreading that shit, they will contribute to the already ballooning unemployment statistics.
We are soul-friends! I hate all the same people. But I need to add old people drivers AND semi-truck drivers.
ReplyDelete