Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Redneck Romance on I-30


So I was called to meet a friend after work yesterday, which entailed sitting through ridiculous traffic on Interstate 30 to get there. Now, the total mileage is only about 12 miles, but it took me a whopping 52 minutes to arrive alive. Most of the time, traffic doesn't bother me. I lived in Los Angeles, and so traffic is just a way of life. You don't measure your destination in miles, but time in the car. Anyway, the traffic was stop and go, and Texas drivers, while friendly for the most part, are also very aggressive. Plus, you add the big rigs into the equation, and you've got some major clusterfuck going on. So I was alternately hitting the gas and riding the brake when we came to a complete stop in my lane (middle of 3 total), and so I'm singing my heart out to my Culture Club Greatest Hits CD (I think we've established I'm a fan from waaayy back). Now I have been known to point and sing to other motorists simply because it feels like you should do that. I know when it happens to me, it makes me feel special, and so I like to return the favor as often as possible (read: every time I'm in the car). I'm really getting into "Church of the Poison Mind" when the motorist on my left drives even with me. Although it's not uncommon to see 1988 Ford Broncos with huge tires and a lift kit full of rednecks and confederate flag decals, I was all into my serenade and made the mistake of turning to my left. And that's when it happened. *The lovely young man in the passenger seat with his mullet, t-shirt with the sleeves cut out, "I love my Momma" tattoo, gun rack, and two teeth waved at me. Not wanting to be rude but also not wanting to encourage actual interaction with the Redneckmobile, I just turned, pointed in recognition of the friendly wave, and kept singing, turning my head back to the road ahead. Then I hear a honk. I decide my best course of action is to ignore it and keep on with my singing with the Boy. Then the honking becomes more persistent. So I make the mistake of looking left again. I'm greeted with another wave and the "V with tongue". You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Anywho, I again decided that the best course of action was to ignore, ignore, ignore. Rednecks are much like children, and so if you ignore their attention-seeking behavior, it will most often cease. Not so in this situation. There was more honking, some yelling of obscene acts he wanted to perform upon me, and revving of the engine. At this point, I must acknowledge that I hear him/them, and I swallow the little bit of vomit that has backed up in my throat and roll up my windows...all four of them. (Thank the Lord in heaven that they are dark tinted windows!) However, these were persistent rednecks, and so I tried in vain to change into another lane, but my desperate signal was ignored by my fellow motorists. Alas, for a whopping 25 minutes of my 50 minute trip, I was sexually harrassed by my redneck admirers. I had to eject the Boy and try some other kind of music because they had ruined it for me. I finally decided on the heaviest music I had in the car: Metallica. Loud, brash, and able to drown out redneck advances in any situation...that's my Metallica (plus, I'm strangely attracted to James Hetfield because he seems a little dangerous). Alas, rocking out to the "...And Justice for All" CD, I was mostly able to tune out Jethro and his Uncle Daddy. When the traffic opened up, I risked yet another speeding ticket and laid tread to the speed of about 85mph. When I finally arrived at my destination, I had an overwhelming urge to shower, but since the bar didn't have a shower, I was forced to delay that action for a few more hours. I seriously wanted to snap a picture, but I was afraid they would follow me and abduct me to parts unknown.

So that is the story of my Redneck Romance. If you are a Redneck reading this, please take offense you disgusting shitbag bastard! This is why you have to marry your "uppity" cousin with her 5 teeth and 4th grade education. Blegh.


*You might realize that I have an eye for detail. I am not making any of this shit up because even now, 24 hrs after the fact, I threw up a little in my mouth.

25 comments:

  1. What, you didn't flash your boobs at him? You could've scored a jug of free 'shine!

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  2. JV-That is an understatement.

    Dyck-What? Were you in Texas on Monday? I'm turning you in!

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  3. The same thing happened to me. What IS it about Texas and Culture Club?

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  4. I wonder if people actually think that someone is going to stop and go "damn, that wolf whistle and promise of showing me a good time has me interested!"

    This is why tear gas canisters shouldn't be illegal, and you should always be able to carry one or three in your car.

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  5. OMG do you realize JUST HOW FUNNY it was for me to read about a man giving you the "V toungue" and your next sentance to start with "Anywho." Like Anywhoo, no big deal, moving on,. . .
    LOL
    Omg you are the Queen of transitions!

    But hey think about it - You could cut his hair, get 'im some teeth and you ALREADY know he loves his mother!! And he has a vehicle AND he's obviously willing to give some tounge action! I'm sorry but he was screaming fix-er-up-er to me.

    ;)

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  6. The "V with the tongue" sign was a bad move, as it has a whole different meaning in Redneck.

    Something about "I love lazy, unwashed men."

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  7. Pug-Hey...no slammin' Texas OR Culture Club. I love 'em both! ;o)

    Redline-Well, I'm licensed to carry a gun, but I'm not sure I should whip that out on Rednecks.

    Lindygirl-I KNOW! The V with tongue? Excuse ME? Nasty cracks! And no, I made the mistake of buying a fixer upper in my home, I refuse to do such a thing in my men.

    Magnum-You Live! Umm, I think the V with tongue means the same thing in any culture. And I didn't do it to them!! Ewwww...

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  8. Sassy, I've felt your pain. I live in the heart of Redneckville (Alabama). In fact, about two weeks ago I wrote some haikus about living where I do on my blog.

    Here are two of my favorites:

    Culture, style and class?
    Did you get lost or somethin'?
    You ain't from 'round here.


    Redneck wedding day
    Barefoot and pregnant - they wed.
    He did get 'er done.


    Oh, and Lindy? That's not a "fixer-upper." That's a "he needed killin'." It's sometimes a hard distinction to make. The biggest tip off is when, after twenty-five minutes, they still won't STFU and get a clue. Your average fixer-upper redneck usually gets power to the old lightbulb after 15 minutes or so.

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  9. Funniest. Post. Ever.

    I cannot believe you actually sing and point at drivers. That's a great idea! Way better than pointing to your nostril and mouthing "you've got a booger".

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  10. Ima-Bless your heart!

    Cruiser-Yes, I sing and point...that's why I have tinted windows! lol I'm still appalled at the things people will do...

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  11. I Heart Metallica!

    So gross...but it's so hard not to look!

    Make sure to bleach yourself!

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  12. Jenny-I KNOW! I've since tried to limit my singing/pointing thing in the car. I don't want to encourage that kind of behavior in any more rednecks...

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  13. Windows open, 'Sad but True' on loud. Nothing will get through that.

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  14. Now, I must say, if a sassy blondie were to point and sing in my general direction, I would be inclined to try to get some highway poonany. While I wouldn't pantomime vagina licking, I would make some sort of effort. Now, if she responded by cranking up ..And Justice for All, that would only make me double my efforts. THEN I might have to go with the pantomiming, but the BJ one is more my style.

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  15. IMA - You're totaly right about the time cut-off.

    Sorry Sassy, :)

    OMG you REALLY do point at people and sing? GUUUFAWWW!!! I'm not sure if I have the balls to do that but if someone did it TO me I would love it. How funny!!

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  16. ATG-You would think the average person would clue in...of course, we're talking about rednecks.

    Dr. Ken-I can tell that you are a class act. ;o)

    Lindygirl-There is nothing weird about pointing and singing! That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it!

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  17. Can you imagine being stopped for speeding and trying to explain why you were speading....V tounge and all...

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  18. Hey, there Sassy Blonde! We need more Sassy Blondes in standup comedy. You ought to consider it. Stop by, say hi, and I'll tune you into another world! (And anyone who rocks out to Culture Club, is #1 in my book!)

    Nice coming across your blog!

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  19. Lady Latte-I get stopped for speeding A LOT. That's one of the many reasons why this was such a risk, but it was one I felt compelled to take! lol

    Lucy-Thanks for stopping in! Can't wait to visit your site. A comedienne in the our lil ole blogland?

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  20. I get out my camera phone & take a picture of them... that usually freaks them out...

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  21. The V with the tongue thing? Wow. And that didn't turn you on???

    Seriously, now we see the effects of lead paint.

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  22. .. and so I'm singing my heart out to my Culture Club Greatest Hits CD.

    I think we can all agree that a wemcam needs to be placed in your car!

    PS. Where the fuck have you been? Missing you and stuff!

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  23. That is scary and yes I also vomited a little. The whole "V" thing is sooooo classy!

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  24. Sassy - just because this was your funniest post ever, doesn't mean you can just leave it up there forever. Where are ya?

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Ramble on a bit. You know you want to.