I've been absent awhile, but I've returned with a quick list...my Shit List. Since taking this new position, it seems to have lengthened a bit dramatically. Coincidence? I doubt it. I'm a bit irritated right now, so I will apologize in advance for the following. Having said that, here's my current Shit List:
10. Mighty Dyckerson-What else is there to say? Isn't he on everyone's shit list? (Just kidding, Dyckie...you know I love you.)
9. Lying Bitches-What do you get for moving to a small town and away from civilization? That's right! Gossipy, lying bitches who make up what they don't know. Listen you skags, if I WAS having an affair with the married colleague you all have the hots for, I might be in a better mood. But I guess I should be flattered that you bitches even think something's going on. Perhaps you old bags don't remember ever having male friends. The next time you make some shit up, I'll have your fucking jobs. I didn't ask for you bitches to work with, I got stuck with your sorry asses. Stupid, redneck whores!
8. Birthdays- OK, so just MY birthday. You know how I feel about my birthday.
7. Slow Ass Drivers-Listen, can't you fuckers read the speed limit signs? I mean, I can't TAKE it anymore! Get with the program or get the hell out of my way!
6. Jesus Freaks-Look, I'm Catholic. I believe in the Holy Trinity and all that. However, I really wish you bible thumpers would give it a rest. As far as I know, Jesus does love me. I don't need you all quoting scripture and telling me how to vote, much less how to live my life. I'm smarter than I look, and not joining your church isn't going to be the reason I go to hell. There are so many more reasons than that...
5. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum-Also known as high school assistant principals in Mayberry. These guys make doing my job unending torture. Listen up, dipshits: if you need to go back to school to learn what is legal and what is not in terms of disciplinary action in schools, please do. The minorities in our district could use the relief of not dealing with your stupid redneck asses for awhile. And stop calling me "sweetie" and "darling". I'm done with the condescending bullshit. Oh, and fuck you too. I'm smarter than the two of you numnuts put together.
4. Network News-My good tv interrupted or completely preempted for long-winded gasbag pundits telling us all what we can read and see for ourselves. And who the hell cares if election coverage went all "high tech"? It still fucked up my Tivo schedule. And by the way, if you're going to look for ways to smear some no name from Alaska, at least get your fucking facts straight. How is that any different than these idiots sending out mass emails about the coming of the Antichrist straight out of Illinois? Do you really expect us to believe that you just got "duped" by some guy sending you information from his mother's basement? Are allegations not vetted anymore at the networks? This is why your audience share declines year to year. Your viewers have already gone "high tech" and get their news online. Oh, and the website you need is: www.snopes.com . Check it out.
3. Banks and Insurance Companies-They have been robbing us blind with their fees since forever, and now they've caused an economic collapse. And they want us to pay up some more because they gave credit to anyone with a pulse at a variable rate and are surprised that people can't pay them back? Shame on you. Just shame on you. In one week my bank (Wamu) and my insurance company (AIG) bit the dust. What the hell? If Nissan goes under, it'll be a trifecta!
2. Prop 8 in CA and those other states too-Listen, I don't care what other people do in their own lives as long as it doesn't mess with mine. Here's a proposition for you: how about worrying about your own damn marriage instead of worrying about someone else's? I'm not gay, but I don't give a shit who is or whether or not they want to get married. What's next? An amendment to stone single people in their late 30s? I'm just glad to know SOMEONE is still interested in getting married. Other than the Prohibition Act (which was subsequently repealed), what other amendment in history (granted these are state constitutions being amended) was passed to take away rights? Frankly, the inevitable has just been avoided for a few more years.
1. Abusers-If I have to read one more story about some fucker abusing their kid, their spouse, or an animal, my head might explode. I will never understand how anyone we call human can be so inhumane. People are more worried about "going green" (don't get me started on the tree huggers either) than punishing mean. I'm fast becoming a proponent of vigilante justice. If you see a story about some asshole getting the shit beat out of him in a dark alley, it very well could've been me who whipped his ass with a sock full of quarters. Who needs a gun?
Whew! I guess that counts more as a rant than a rambling. On a more positive note, gas prices are continuing to go down, I got a great price for my airline ticket to Denver, and I've had a few more quality dates with Roach Clip. No real love connection yet, but damn is that man a lot of fun!
*Insomnia robs me of my much needed beauty sleep...and also makes me cranky and particularly foul-mouthed. Perhaps I'll write something much more full of sunshine in a few days once I fill my Lunesta scrip.
