I've Gotta Get This Off My Chest...

The Top 10 Things That Really Chap My Ass:

1. Cell Phone Addiction: People, put it down and back away! I don't want to hear it when I'm eating dinner, I don't want you to talk on it when we are having a conversation ourselves, and I don't want to feel ridiculous when you are talking on your Bluetooth and I stupidly believe you might be saying something to me, so I answer or give you an, "Excuse me? What was it you said?" and you rudely ignore me so I realize you never were addressing me, a complete stranger. Turn if off on the effing plane too, would you? I'd rather not crash in the mountains where I would be forced to roast your leg when the food runs out because you couldn't turn off your cell phone on the plane. And texting? It's just another way for people to start shit. So get yourself some help before I help you with a foot up your ass!

2. Slow People in the Passing Lane: Listen up, drivers! The passing lane, also known as the "fast lane" in many places, is not a place for under the speed limit drivers or those of you that have all day to get there. It's a 4-lane freeway, and there are 3 other lanes for you to drive like my grandma. I'm on a mission to get there. So here's a hint: when you see someone coming up in the rearview mirror, go ahead and get that signal on and ease over. I'm trying to pass your slow ass!

3. My Sports Teams Choking: So it was hard enough when my Dallas Stars choked and went down in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs...to Colorado no less. Then I had to watch Shaquille O'Neal and the love affair between Hubie Brown and Dwayne Wade as the Hubester practically gave ole DW a tongue bath in person and then gushed like a groupie while calling the games where my Mavericks choked in Miami. What do I have left? The Rangers? Like they'll ever get anywhere...baseball sucks anyway.

4. Bitchy Drive-Thru People: Okay, I worked in food service before when I was younger. I know it's a donkey job. But listen, it's not MY fault that YOU are working the drive-thru at the Taco Cabana. I'm always nice, I say please and thank you, I smile brightly at the window. What the hell is your problem? Customer service is what you are supposed to provide. You're not back there cooking my actual food, so the most you gotta do is punch in the order right and prepare my large Diet Coke. Thank your lucky stars you aren't back there on the grill, bitch. You don't even have to make the change yourself! They have a machine that takes care of that for you. So do me and all the other customers out there a favor: improve your tude or find another job. We're effing tired of your bullshit when all we wanted was a stinkin' taco. And don't forget my extra side of sour cream.

5. Humidity: I've got naturally curly hair, and if I'm going to have beach head, I want it to be because I was actually at a beach! I'm in Dallas for the love of Mike! Just once, I wish you straight-haired people would have to experience the curly-haired life. Stop with the, "Ahh, my hair is SO flat," while your shake it like you're in a shampoo commercial. I equate those statements with those skinny-ass girls who constantly complain that they are fat. Try dealing with a head full of fuzz and then complain about your flat head, bitch. While you enjoy sleek, simple styles, I look like I have just gotten out of bed...that is my style...has been since I was born. So humidity sucks, the beach rocks, and I need a haircut. What else is new?

6. Email Forwards: As if junk mail, particularly chain letters, has ever been acceptable whether in paper or electronic form. If you forward me junk, you hit my block list. Read it and weep.

7. Liars: Listen up again, people. If it requires a lie, then don't bother speaking up. I need real answers, not a fantasy. Tell the truth. If others can't take it, that's their problem. So if you feel a pathological need to tell untruths, then please act like I'm invisible. Don't approach me, call me, email me, don't even mention my name in association with yours. I have zero time and tolerance for big, fat liars. Get yourself into a group somewhere.

8. No Shows: Perhaps I was raised in some kind of abnormal fashion, but I was always taught to keep your promises/commitments. It irks the hell out of me when someone calls me, makes plans, and then is a no show. No call, no explanation. Nothing. What the hell? And it never fails, I get sucked in again when they call the next time to make plans, and they stand me up again. So consider this notice to all you No Shows: I won't be penciling you into my schedule anymore. I will go with a backup set of plans, and so you'll lose out regardless. Be a man/woman and honor your commitments. And yes, I AM talking to my unreliable friends. I love you, but I no longer trust that you will show up. Deal with it.

9. People Who Don't Return Messages in a Timely Manner: You know who I'm talking about, don't you? Those friends who you leave countless messages for yet they never call back? I'm not talking email, although it certainly counts. I mean all of you cell phone addicts who practically sleep with your phone on your hip can't return a call? For the most part, my friends are great about calling back and keeping in touch. However, there are those few that need to know that my new rule is a two message limit. I will only leave two messages and if not returned will not call again. I'll just have to mark you off the list until you call again (if ever). As for business relationships, that's an easy call to make. If you don't keep in touch, it's just bad for business. Fire any employee who can't use his time wisely enough to return client calls. These kinds of people NEVER change, and are usually the ones wasting company time surfing the net and using their cell phones in the office.

10. Oil Companies: Enough said.

LOOK! A REAL M-A-N! And he hasn't had a manicure...EVER!

What some women will do when they spot a single man that is not a metrosexual! My money's on the shot putter in the front! Run, Helga, run!

*This is actually a picture of the "Running of the Bridezillas" in NYC. First prize: $25K dream wedding. Thank you, "NY Betty", my dear friend. I'll remain patient...

A/C Repairmen Blow Home Warranty Companies

So I don't know who, if anyone, is reading this, but I have a rant. I live in North Texas, and currently it is a scorching 99 degrees friggin' Fahrenheit. And I have no air conditioning. Now that you've picked yourself up off the floor, let me give you a little backstory.

I bought a townhouse from one of my oldest friend's fiance just before they got married last year. I have never owned before, and I decided it was perfect for me and the pups. Three bedrooms (one is so small I use it as an office though), 2 1/2 baths, two-car garage, nice little fenced backyard. Perfect, right? So, I didn't move in last summer until the very end of July, as I was in-route on my move back here from Los Angeles. So the A/C worked through August and September, and by October it was cool enough to open windows. Now for those of you who live in places where there are true and distinct seasons, let me give you a little info on the Lone Star state. We basically have fall, tornado season, and summer. Every once and awhile it will ice over but nothing like the winters I experienced living on the East Coast. Plus, it's pretty friggin' humid as well. Now, I was raised here. I'm a native Texan, but I'd been away from her for nearly 7 years, with the most recent 4 years in California (read: dry heat, mild winters, a beach near my backyard). But I digress (sorry). So anyway, my central A/C was fine throughout the two months I had to use it. No need for turning on the heat because I have a fireplace if it gets really cold. So enter March '06 and a mini-heatwave. I turn on the A/C, but it doesn't feel so cool. So, I call my home warranty company (can you say RIP OFF?), and they send a contractor out. I pay him the $50 service fee, and he tells me I have a dirty evaporator coil and blower that need to be cleaned...oh, and replace my filter too. Roughly 3 months and $800 later, my A/C unit still leaks (my whole master bedroom closet ceiling has since collapsed due to water damage) and the warranty company refuses to honor their contract and pay to replace it. The A/C repair company says they'll cut me a deal for a new system up to government specs for the bargain price of $2200 (I think I've mentioned in the past that I work in education, so I don't really have that kind of petty cash lying around in any of my Swiss bank accounts and all). Long story short, I have no A/C and no money.

So, the new plan is to purchase a couple of window units (one for my bedroom, one for downstairs in living room) and deal with the two hottest months in TX (July and August) that way. At least I can sleep at night, watch tv without passing out from heat exhaustion, and at least my dogs won't die from heat stroke while I'm gone to work. However, I'm completely pissed that the warranty company has denied my claim because they say the unit has not been serviced properly. For Chrissakes people, I haven't even been here a year and when I knew something was wrong, I paid to have it fixed. Plus, the unit was made and installed back when I had big hair and listened to a Flock of Seagulls. Surely they knew something might break on it when they took my money for this "coverage" So, my real estate agent friend is on their asses, and I at least hope to get back my $350 fee for the warranty service.

The moral of the story here kids: Don't buy a house from a friend, don't trust a home warranty company, and know that a good thing to do in your spare time is learn auto mechanics, plumbing, a/c and heating repair, and become an electrician. If you can do all of that, you have a much lesser possibility of being bent over.

Shit...now I gotta go back to confession.....